Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Taking A New Risk

Hello everyone!

It has been an interesting couple of weeks being away from my blog. It's been a roller coaster as I have tried to sort out my feelings and my future where the blog is concerned. I have wondered a few times if I'm depressed and that is what's keeping me away but that just doesn't seem to be the case in the rest of my life. I have gone back and forth with emotions and thoughts surrounding the blog and what I keep coming back to is that I love this blog, I love you guys, I love the work I have done up to the point at which I took a break and I often miss my mission. I know that there aren't a lot of sites out there like mine (if any) and I feel like I've got something here that needs to be loved and maintained. Apart from that, I have had all of you in my life and in Thomas's life and I know that our continuing story matters to all of you. I pull no punches when it comes to the truth about our lives and I think that is what draws people to my blog.

I am writing today to say all of that and to give you a bit of an update on things around here. Life is pretty "middle of the road" here without any hiccups so thankfully for us, there is some down time to soak in a relatively normal life. Things are taking a little turn, though, and that is what I wanted to tell you about.

Yesterday Thomas had his meds appointment and I, once again, fully intended to stay out of the whole thing. I'm very much wanting Thomas to find his own footing where his mental health care is concerned and that includes his all-important meds.

As usual he went in and talked to Dr. N. first, without me. It wasn't long before I was called back too. I went in and sat down and basically said my peace which consisted of:

"I think Thomas is doing pretty good right now!"

That's my stock answer right now because I'm trying not to over analyze the things I see happening in Thomas. I have to say, there are things that concern me but I'm trying to keep my newly acquired distance and just keep an eye on them without pummeling Thomas with questions. A part of me wonders if I'm watching him take a step backwards and I'm just watching it happen and not being responsible and heading things off at the pass. A bigger part of me tells me to leave it alone for now, though.

So, we talked about the things Thomas feels have been "wrong" with him and he complained that his memory, the lack of it, is upsetting him. Of course, the answer was to decrease meds and see what happens, see if his memory improves. That always seems to be the answer:

"Let's decrease the meds and see what happens!"

I'm trying to get right with that.

I asked Thomas what he wanted to do and he chose to decrease his Latuda, opting to take out the morning dose of it for a while. It's not a big dose of the med so I'm thinking we won't see any scary, schizophrenia related issues but we just never know. Every time we've decreased meds in the last couple of years, the symptoms have increased. Hopefully this time will be different. We'll take this risk, or rather Thomas is going to take the risk, and we'll see what happens. I made him promise me that he'll tell me if his paranoia increases or something else changes. I don't hold out hope he'll report anything to me as it has always worked in the past that I have to directly ask him about it or find a round about way of figuring it out. As part of my distancing myself for both of our sake's, I'm going to let things go for now.

Apart from that, I have decided to decrease my own meds.  I do this every summer. I get to feeling pretty decent and I opt to go off of my antipsychotic and then by late Fall, I'm back on them. This seems to be something I just have to do. I think my hope is that

"This time it'll be different, this time I won't get sick again."

But that's never been the case. I'm such a proponent of Thomas staying on his meds along with everyone with a serious mental illness, like schizophrenia, staying on their meds but somehow I think I'm exempt from that. I suppose I'm not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to my own mental health but this is something I just have to do.

So, together, Thomas and I are going to take a risk with our mental health and see if we can yield some positive results. I am most wary of what might happen to him because it takes time to retrieve him from psychosis but he's made this decision on his own and Lord knows he knows what his life is like when his meds aren't right so he's going to have to then decide what to do if things get bad. He craves independence and this is one of the ways he will get some. When he's on his own, I won't be there to police his meds and he's going to have to learn to listen to his mind and make good decisions about his mental health. Truth be told, I'll never let him fall.

Not ever.

But I have to let him try this change in his meds and learn what the consequences are (if there are any) of doing that.

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