Yesterday I walked past Thomas's meds case late in the afternoon and noticed that, once again, he had forgotten to take his morning pills. I am completely baffled about why this is happening. Maybe I'm naïve, maybe he's looking for a way to get out of taking them altogether but he tells me that he knows his meds help him. So, what is with missing his morning meds so much lately?
I was thinking that it might be an issue of routine change but nothing really has changed. It's so rare for his life to go any differently than it does and especially yesterday, there was no routine change at all and he still forgot them.
I know I posted before that I am wondering if it has to do with a decline in his gray matter but maybe I'm ambitious in that line of thinking. The thing is, something is not right, though. He seems to be not forgetting a whole lot of other things in his life that I can see. Well....that's not true....he's not showering still. He did shower on Friday but I came home yesterday and took a good look at him and he looked rumpled and his hair was greasy and he didn't smell so good. To top that off, it seems like he's gained more weight too. I'm hating this because I'm seeing a decline in a much different way than I have seen in the past. He's never really been a gainer of weight on his meds except for one other time and that was kept under control but this time around it seems totally out of control. He's constantly coming to me telling me he's hungry and sometimes I give him healthy snacks but other times I tell him that he'll have to learn to fight through the hunger because eventually he won't notice the feeling of hunger any more or at least as often. I'm feeding him more dinner (my one chance to pile on all of the healthy foods) and within less than a half an hour, he's back out in the living room with a forlorn look telling me he's hungry again expecting me to either give him permission to eat or to help him come up with something to eat.
(Picture Credit: motleyhue.org)
When he does that, I always sit there for a moment contemplating what I should say and do. I know how hard it is to lose weight, especially when you don't feel so great mentally and even when I feel great mentally I fight with hunger and cravings so I know what he's up against. The problem is, he doesn't seem to have the strength and resolve to try to live with it. I envision that he gets up after Dan and I go to bed and he eats. It really wouldn't surprise me. I just don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do with all of this. I have suggested to him that he set an alarm on his phone to take his meds and he says he doesn't want to do that and that he "wants to try to remember on his own" but that doesn't seem to be working. Leaving him to his own devices with both meds and food seems to be failing and as his mom, I feel powerless to help him make a change. All of his t-shirts are getting tight and today I'm taking him to buy new jeans because his are skin tight and he finally admitted the other day that he's uncomfortable. Is this where we're headed? Are we finally joining the ranks of others living with schizophrenia and watching as the weight packs on and we are powerless to stop it? Are we joining the ranks of others living with schizophrenia and ushering in an era of not taking meds and getting sick again?
I don't know............
I need help though. I don't know what to do anymore. So much of this is on Thomas to be responsible for. I'm fighting so much lately with how much I should be involved with all of this and how much I should let go. He has talked so much of independence which means "mommy" isn't there to make things right, watch the diet, make sure he takes his pills, and make sure he showers and changes his sheets to name a few. I fight between,
"but he's sick, he has schizophrenia, he needs help with things."
"He wants to be on his own so I need to step back and let him practice that and keep myself out of it all."
I'll give it more time and I'm going to talk to both of his doctors. I need help. I admit I'm at a point where I feel powerless to change anything about this situation.