Monday, May 04, 2015

Another Drive Up The Hill

I titled this the way I did because today is our visit to Dr. N. (psychiatrist, meds guy) for Thomas and my visit to my own psychiatrist. We live in a valley with this massive, steep grade to drive up to get out of the valley and at the top, the land opens up into the most beautiful farm fields (pictured above). From there we drive another 30 minutes or so to get to Dr. N.'s. We drive this drive a lot but today's will be a little different from others lately because this time, Thomas seems to be doing better again and our meeting with Dr. N. should be a good one.

That is unless the "Thomas Whisperer" (Dr. N.) doesn't get information out of Thomas that I was unaware of which is totally possible.

I was in awe of how he gleaned information from Thomas last time and he did it with this calm, self-assured demeanor that probably would have tricked me into spilling all of my secrets without meaning to if he were my doctor.

We go into this appointment with some really great news and that is that Thomas walked home from work in the dark, alone last night!!!!!! Can you believe it? He actually did it. On a whim, as we drove to work yesterday evening, I asked Thomas how he was feeling about walking home after work. I really expected to hear what I had heard just days before and that is that he is still scared and was afraid someone would stop and try and pick him up again. Instead I got a:

"I'll try it. I'm feeling brave."


I was so happy for him but nervous too. I'm personally not crazy about him walking home at night at all but I have to put away my own fears and anxieties and let him do what he wants to do. All of this is practice for when he becomes independent from me. I won't be there to watch out for him all the time and letting him walk home alone last night, against my better judgment, was a move in that direction.

At 10:25 (his shift ends at 10) he came through the front door. He wasn't smiling and he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about what he'd just done but he said it went fine. I've got to say that last time, the time when the guy tried to pick him up, he had told me that the walk home had been fine only to find out later that it hadn't. Like I did the last time, I'll take him at his word until he says something different, if he ever does.

As for me and my appointment with my psychiatrist, this is my second to last visit with her. She has some serious family issues and is leaving her practice to take care of them. When she told me that was happening she said it with apprehension, expecting me to break down, I suppose, but instead I told her that I had been in a similar situation and I totally understood why she was leaving.

Yes, I understood...but....

Quite honestly I am very worried and a little bit sad. I'm worried because she's turning over my meds management to my primary care provider. my cocktail of meds will be managed by someone who doesn't have the first clue how to take care of that part of me. Secondly, I'm worried because even though she told me that she would come back to the practice eventually, I got a letter in the mail the other day that sounds to me like she's never coming back.

Then what?!?!?

This area is one of the worst areas for finding proper psychiatric care. Let's face it, you can't find proper psychiatric care practically anywhere nowadays. So if she doesn't come back, I'll have to begin the hunt to find a new psychiatrist--an endeavor I do not look forward to at all.

Meanwhile, I am entering the summer months when, for years now, I have become seriously, clinically depressed and I won't have any kind of proper support to get through it.

I'm scared.

To say the least.

I'd rather be in a mixed or manic episode than to have to ride out months of depression alone. It can get pretty dark inside of my mind when I'm depressed and now I'm going to have to keep it together all by myself. We'll have to see how that works out. In the meantime, at my appointment today, I am going to ask her for at least six months of refills on all of my meds in the hopes that I can manage my own meds for the next half a year until I either see her again or I find a new psychiatrist.

So, today is going to be a mixed emotions day. For one, Thomas is doing good and it looks like there will be no changes for him meds-wise but for me, I'll prepare to say goodbye to my long-time psychiatrist and say a few prayers that I'll make it through the summer and beyond. I'll hold onto Thomas's re-growing stability and find my joy in that for today.

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