Friday, April 03, 2015

When Faith Is Bigger Than Fear

Seriously, God must have been reading my blog the last couple of days because as I reached bottom, in the mail came the answers I needed.

Yesterday I went over to my mom's to work out on her elliptical trainer and as I drove home I broke into tears and cried the whole way home worried about dying and worried about all of the things that have been happening lately. I sat in my driveway not wanting to go inside and have Thomas see me teary eyed and I tried to gather myself together. Out of necessity (my neighbors were outside watching me in my car) I dried my tears and went inside. Thomas practically met me at the door and he told me that on my office chair was a letter from Social Security. I went over to my chair and picked up the mail and rifled through it and found a HUGE packet from Social Security and I also found something from Health and Welfare. I stood there and opened the Social Security one and began reading. It was the letter stating that Thomas had been declared disabled and it also contained a 20 page packet about SSI and how it works. I stood there reading and Thomas came up to me and asked me what it was. I breathed a sigh of relief and said to him,

"This is the answer I've been waiting for. This takes so much stress off of me."

I told him a little about it then went and sat down with it and the envelope from Health and Welfare. In that 24 page letter and packet from Social Security, they broke down how they determined how much money Thomas gets and even though it didn't change the amount that he would get, just having everything explained to me helped me. It also told me a little about my role as representative payee which helped me better understand what I need to do with this very important role. Then I opened the Health and Welfare envelope.

Inside was a letter stating that Thomas was now on Medicaid!!! Finally!!! The letter told me that his Medicaid card would arrive in the mail in a couple of days and that I should take that to all of his doctors. I was overjoyed. Between the Medicaid thing and the Social Security thing, I could feel a weight being lifted off of me. I could actually breathe again.

The letter from Social Security made it possible to open a bank account for Thomas's direct deposits and I was able to deposit his back payment check. The banker was so nice to us when we sat down in her office and she got us all set up and even said she could fax Social Security the banking information for me so that the direct deposit could be set up. At one point she asked Thomas where he worked and it turned out that she is friends with Thomas's favorite manager Stacy. What are the chances of that??? Thomas was so happy about that and told her that Stacy was his favorite manager and the two of them talked about how great Stacy is and how funny he is. I really just felt like this, too, was a part of God's plan.

Next we went to Dr. K.'s and I went into the billing office and talked to the woman who handles payments. I told her that we now had the money to pay his bill we owed them and I also told her that he was declared disabled and was now on Medicaid. What she told me next took my breath away. She said that because Thomas is now disabled and on a small income and because he's on Medicaid, they would no longer be charging Thomas anything beyond what Medicaid paid. Because we were established with them they would take that hit. Again, even more weight was lifted from me.

NO BALANCE?

REALLY?

Suddenly Thomas's $311/month was sounding like more money!

After session Thomas and I talked about what we would do with his back pay and I told him that I wanted to be sure to handle the money the way Social Security requires and one of the things they had told me the money could be spent on was furnishings for his room. All I could think about was how Thomas had been asking for one of those mats you put on the carpet under an office chair so that it can roll around and I told him that we could get that now. Then he mentioned that he needed a new desk. I had not paid attention to what had happened a couple of weeks ago with his desk. He and Dan had been installing a small flat screen TV that my mom had given him from her old house and apparently they had broken Thomas's desk and it was now sitting on wood blocks. Now he could have his desk and he spent the rest of the evening shopping for one online and found one he likes.

So, my day started out horrible and ended up wonderful! I'm still irrationally worried about dying but I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about that next Monday. The fear is now obsessive and consuming me and I am so angry with myself that I can't get the thought out of my head. I can't live like this under the constant pressure of worrying about every scenario that might take my life so I need to get a handle on it. I know once I get back from the conference (it's coming up FAST!) and am home safe, I can stop worrying so much. All I want is to be home with my boy and by him where I can keep an eye on him and give him hugs whenever he wants them.

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