Last night everything that makes a perfect storm happened. Last night I completely broke down and cried tears of grief, of anger, of resignation. Last night I saw my world and Thomas's world implode and I realized, once again, that schizophrenia is alive and well and is not going anywhere.
Today I am too tired to write. Too tired to face again what I felt last night by writing it all down now.
I lost all hope last night.
I am adrift in a vast ocean, a piece of driftwood, unable to find land on which to rest. Our family's seasons have changed and we ALL face, yet again, the harsh realities of this illness.
I hate it. I hate this illness. I hate how unfair it is to Thomas and I hate how unfair it is to both myself and Dan.
Right now I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'll take it but I don't know how long it'll be that we'll all feel cracked and broken like we are right now.
If hope were a rope, a lifeline if you will, someone yanked it up out of the pit I am in leaving me in the blackness of a deep hole.
Schizophrenia is one of THE MOST unfair and cruel illnesses in existence.
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