Monday, March 16, 2015

The Dust Has Settled

It has been a good couple of days in our household. Thomas seems back to his old self and now we power forward yet again. Thomas got lucky on Friday night when he worked because there were no crowds so he got a break from his paranoia. His schedule this week is down to working one shift (today) and barring any crowds, I think it will give him yet another chance to recover. I'm actually glad his schedule is back to one day a week because it keeps him out of a high stress environment.

One thing he has been struggling with, though, is his sleep. He has had to wake up earlier than usual for a couple of days prior to Sunday and one night had been an awful night for him where he couldn't sleep much. Then came yesterday when after not waking up at his usual 10:30-11:00 I began to worry. I'm not going to lie, I worry if he's okay when he sleeps in. I want so much to go in and shake him and make sure he is breathing but I try to calm my fears and just let him sleep. Yesterday Dan and I were around the house until noon and still no Thomas so we left to do our grocery shopping. I left a note for Thomas to text me when he got up and by 12:30 he was up.

Thank God.

These fears of mine about him not waking up began with the start up of his clozaril. He had so many cardiac issues with it and I was afraid he would have a heart attack in his sleep. I guess I never really got past that so, now, when he sleeps past his usual time, I worry. I remember the days in the beginning when they were pumping him full of meds and he slept forever. Those mornings and afternoons would be the loneliest times for me because I would sit here watching down the hall to his room for him to emerge from his room. Then when he came out of his room he looked so beaten down and would spend the day laying on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. As a mom that is one of the hardest things to watch as your kid is bound in a meds-induced semi-coma. Back when he was in high school and taking a ton of meds, he would get out of bed in the morning so very very tired and he'd barely get his breakfast down before he'd fall asleep again. I'd wake him up to get him off to school and I'd watch him walk until he turned the corner and he would just lumber along slowly to school. We were so new to schizophrenia at that point that I didn't know his lack of good sleep and the stress from school would make him worse. If I had it to do differently I would have kept him home and schooled him here for the remainder of his senior year. As it stood, the school was very understanding of his plight and they cut back his class work a great deal and he was, in the end, able to complete high school and graduate though not without a hospitalization in the middle of it all.
It's hard to look back on those times. My heart still breaks to this day when I remember those times because they were the beginnings of his treatment for schizophrenia and his symptoms were horrible. I'm thankful we've left those days in the past and even though he's been just as sick since, at least he hasn't had to go to school every day and try to get through it with all of his peers witness to him falling asleep in class and being heavily sedated when he was awake.

Here we are now, though, and he lives a relatively quiet life except for times when he works too much and/or the crowds are in the store. He spends his days, like he did yesterday, on YouTube or on his computer and he quietly gets through a day now feeling a little more stable. I'm not sure his life will ever be any different. After the years of struggle he went through, all I want for him is to live here at home, learn some independence around the house and be safe from the monsters that stalk him when he becomes too stressed out. What I wanted for his future has changed, he and I both have said goodbye to what we thought his life was going to be like but since he can't have that imagined life now, he and I, together, try to make it the best life we can.

So he sleeps till noon. Who cares? Except for my transient worries about him waking up, he is home safe, getting the rest and respite he needs and he is building on his stability little by little, day by day.

1 comment:

  1. my son was recently diagnosed. i have been sitting here reading your posts back to 2013... i can't tell you how much it is helping me. thank you so very much.


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