Friday, March 20, 2015


I am sitting here debating if I should write about what I want to write about today. I took a few hits in Thomas's therapy yesterday from Dr. K. and I am left angry and hurting and bewildered. I am also left questioning EVERYTHING I do as Thomas's mom and caregiver and am even questioning if I should have this blog.

I was able to do some venting in a private support group and tell the whole story and the people that responded were very supportive of me and I think you all would be supportive of me too but I just don't know if I should talk about this publicly. This will be the first time, if I choose not to say anything, that I have NOT talked openly and honestly about every aspect of my life.
Let me think here a second.....

Okay, one of the things that was said to me was that I am very "frank" about expressing my feelings (read: I talk--or write--too much about my feelings). I was also told in the same breath that "it's not all about me."

Let me see how I should respond here.

EVERYWHERE in my and for my ENTIRE life I have talked about my feelings. I do that because I am incapable of keeping them to myself most times. In that respect I suppose I could be considered flawed because sometimes I ought to just keep my mouth shut. But that just wouldn't be me. My philosophy has always been that because I feel like I do and because it's so hard to deal with the things that I do, all I want is to let people know that what they are feeling isn't wrong and that they have a right to those feelings. I have made it a mission in my life to take care of others and help them through their tough emotional times.

Now...."it's not all about me"....REALLY? Do you think I actually think that it's all about me? I mean this whole thing in general. This blog, my life, my relationships, my caring for Thomas. Do you think that the ultimate belief in my life is that of a narcissist who thinks the world revolves around me and that I don't, for one second, consider other's feelings? Let me pick on my blog a little bit here, okay? Yes, I write about MY feelings, MY fears, MY joys but I also write about what Thomas deals with and I do so with love and compassion both for him and for my audience. I write because I want others to know they are not alone and I write because I want people to know that I support them in their struggles. The entire goal of my blog when I began was to paint a picture of schizophrenia from a caregiver's point of view. The only way I can do that without having some sort of classroom where dialogue can take place, is this often one-sided conversation with me writing but listening to you at the same time when you comment. The truth of the matter is, my writing is my conversation with the world. I have never said I am right about everything, in fact I have written many posts about how I got it wrong and I genuinely apologized for it and I will continue to do so for as long as I have this blog. I was in a relationship for years that centered on a constant conflict with someone who believed they were ALWAYS right and I worked constantly to show this person that there were other viewpoints to things. This person's toxic need to be right all the time was one of the things that destroyed the relationship and the beautiful thing that I took from that failed relationship was the knowledge that I am not always right either and that I need to always listen to other people and consider their points of view. Many a time I have learned valuable lessons from setting aside my own ego in favor of letting someone share their world with me. Life is not black and white, all or nothing. I am not right and neither are you. "Right" lies somewhere in the middle of everything and two people who are willing to set aside their egos will find that "right" together and be much better human beings for having done so. So, in my opinion, I don't see myself as someone who believes it's "all about me."

Correct me if I'm wrong here.

As for other things that happened in session, save for one other thing, most of it included Thomas and how he and I interact and because of the way the session went yesterday I am left feeling like I can no longer discuss what goes on in session where Thomas is involved. You must know that what I write about, Thomas knows that I write about it. He doesn't read my words but he is aware that I have shared things with all of you about things that went on in therapy but, and he understands this, I write about it because I think it is a great teaching tool for the world. Beyond that, even Thomas discusses his coping mechanisms borne from therapy sessions. We have made a commitment to open our world to all of you in order to help you through what you're going through. After yesterday's session, though, I feel like a few walls were built around me and what I do here and I feel a bit suffocated now by this walled in space I find myself in.

The truth of the matter is, though, that I will probably say more over the next few days. After all of the things that were said to me yesterday, some of which called my parenting and caregiving into question, I am, more than anything, left angry and hurt and it is not in my nature to not stand up for myself. I am still processing the hits I took yesterday and as I do so, I will probably open myself up again.

Ultimately, though, this needs to be said:

I love Thomas. I love him more than anything or anyone else in my life. I make sacrifices daily for his well-being and I do so out of love and without reservations. I have made mistakes in how I raised him, I wasn't always the best mom, but I have done nothing else but try to make that right over the past few years. I cannot repair the damage I have done but I can move forward into the future being a person that is supportive, loving, selfless, and humble. I have great respect for my son and what he deals with. I have respect for this illness and its toll on him and everyone else around him and since I have learned of his diagnosis I have made it my mission to be the kind of mom that educates herself about this illness and who adjusts her caregiving and parenting skills to accommodate what this illness has done to her son and taken from him. In the end, in the bitter bitter end, when everyone's judgment of me has come down from on high, I will defend myself with tenacity and I will walk into the sunset knowing that I did as much right as I could and that I did everything I did out of love and compassion for my beautiful boy.

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