Monday, March 09, 2015

Being Away From Thomas

I wanted to write today but there is very little to write about. Thomas did well yesterday because Dan was home. Through texts I understood that the two of them were a team yesterday which makes me happy. After a rocky couple of days before the trip where Dan and I fought about Thomas, I wasn't sure how things would go for their relationship. Dan had overheard me on the phone with my mom leading up to the trip and I was telling her about how I was anxious about leaving Thomas and how Thomas was really struggling with me being gone. Sometimes Dan gets mad at Thomas and voices that he thinks Thomas is "being a baby" (or that I "baby him too much") and that he should be able to take care of himself and his anxieties without me. We all know that's not possible.

At any rate he was mad at me for being anxious and mad at Thomas and because of that I was sure he'd have a few choice words for him when the two of them were alone. Thomas can't defend himself in those situations because either he's scared to stand up to Dan or he's crippled by anxiety for being called out in such a manner. Dan can be so good to Thomas and he does love him and considers him his son so when things are good they are really good. So, it appears things are good right now. Thank God.

As for me here in Seattle my mom and I are power shopping which means sore feet, numb toes, back aches and being dead tired at the end of the day. The good thing though is that I am finding some good tops to wear for my conference in April. I have lost 27 pounds and all I own are drapy, shapeless tops and I can finally now wear things that fit my figure. This is a huge accomplishment for me given that I got quite overweight over the last couple of years with both my dad being sick and dying and Thomas being sick. Keeping weight off wasn't my priority and under that amount of stress only eating brought me joy and comfort.

This trip will prove to be a test for both Thomas and I. I have finally relaxed enough to enjoy myself and not obsess over how Thomas is doing and he gets a chance to taste independence. Today he will be alone and will have to get dinner for himself and get himself to work. It'll be potentially tough for him but I'm hoping he'll stay brave. This is the last day he works until I get home so today's the day for him to shine if he can.

I haven't gotten a chance to shop for him yet so I hope to do a little of that today so I can bring him a present. I want him to have something special from this trip. That young man is my life. I just want him happy.

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