Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A Voice Of Reason

I went and saw my own psychiatrist yesterday for a general therapy visit and I talked to her about the last couple weeks with Thomas. I love her perspective because she's a very qualified psychiatrist and she has a good heart and she can always offer me points of view about Thomas that I really need. She comes to me with an understanding of schizophrenia from a treatment provider's perspective but because she is also my treatment provider she knows what I deal with as a caregiver and she's very sympathetic of my situation as a caregiver.

I told her about how Thomas fell apart when I was in Seattle and how the residual effects from it had affected him over the last couple of weeks. I told her about the joint session with Thomas and Dr. K. and I told her how very angry and hurt I had been. What prevails for me where that joint session is concerned is hurt more than anger. They always say that anger is really an outward expression of hurt and I suppose that's true for me after having processed everything that happened that fateful day.
I zeroed in on the whole thing about Thomas dreaming that Dan and I are mad at him and she had a perspective that I hadn't considered. I told her that I felt that the dreams were basically random dreams about fighting with Dan and I and that they had spilled over into his waking life altering his reality. I said that there had been no fights or even any tension in the house leading up to the dreams so I felt that the dreams and subsequent "reality breaks(?)" were part of Thomas's illness. She told me something that made me think:

For Thomas, with me being gone, it most likely felt like a form of abandonment to him. With me gone, his subconscious world felt that I might be gone forever and that he would be on his own. As a result, he was dreaming about something that could be considered abandonment, fights with his parents where he is left alone in the world as a result. In effect, because he lives his waking life lately with the reality that I might leave him (I went to Seattle and now I'll be going to my conference soon) his dreaming mind comes up with the only way to assimilate this belief, fights with me and then waking fears of me abandoning him since I'm gone a lot.

This made perfect sense to me. Of course he's having the dreams he is. This has been a very trying few weeks for him between that guy offering to give him a ride in the dark to the beginnings of paranoia forming again to me leaving for Seattle to his complete breakdown at work about government agents and finally to the reoccurring nightmares about fighting with Dan and I. Beyond that what looms on the horizon is me leaving again for 4 days and maybe perhaps our vacation to the ocean in 2 weeks might be causing him a little bit of stress just because we will be out of our routine. He's got a lot on his plate and frankly, when you think about it, with everything that's gone on, he's doing reasonably well. That's not to say he's sailing through his days because he has been asking for a lot of hugs lately and has these moments where he sighs a big sigh like he's tired but when I ask him if he's tired he says no and that it's something else. He doesn't elaborate but I think he doesn't because he's trying to protect me.

Ultimately, though, my own session yesterday was a HUGE help to me. My psychiatrist did for me what I guess I wished Dr. K. had done. She jumped in the dream analysis pool (which I already reside in because I believe most dreams mean something and are definitely reflections of waking life and of thoughts you have when you're awake) and she offered me exactly what I needed to hear. She was my voice of reason in an otherwise emotionally hurt life and she gave me something to hang on to. For the last couple of days, Thomas's dreams have stopped and I think it's because he's settled back into our normal everyday structured life where I am here all the time or if I'm gone it's just because I am across town. I need to shore him up for my eventual departure to my conference. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'll be gone longer there than I was to Seattle, but I'm working on some plans that'll hopefully help him out.

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