I sit here today writing after a few weeks of feeling unable to accomplish one single thing that I wanted to. My brain was so wired and unable to settle down enough to function and do things for this page. I have hated it because this page is my pride and joy and I love all of you guys and I don't want to let you down. There needs to be ACTION on this page and INFORMATION being shared and unfortunately for a while there I had a block in my way, more like a brick wall, making it so that this page was becoming lackluster.
Then yesterday I came upstairs from 2 hours on the treadmill (my exercise is the one thing I'm able to keep up despite my rampant bipolar illness) and I sat down on the edge of my chair in the living room like I have done so many times in the last weeks and I once again stared at the blank TV screen. My mind was filled with a jumble of things but suddenly I burst into tears and cried and cried. The overwhelming feeling I had was that I felt so alone, so lonely. There I sat in that empty room, Thomas just having left to go to his room and play computer games, and my mom is 2 thousand miles away (she's my best friend) and I knew my sister was struggling through similar issues as mine as far as bipolar goes and I just felt like I was so alone in this world. I have to say, feeling lonely, feeling alone, is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. You know that there are people out there surrounded by loved ones or friends or coworkers and there you sit.
I didn't want Thomas to catch me crying so I dried my tears after a while and I sat there trying to get myself together. Finding it impossible to do anything still, I wrapped myself in a blanket and went to sleep. I was quitting the world for a day and hiding out in unconsciousness.
When I woke up my very first thought was of this page and of Twitter. I had worked for weeks going through Twitter to find you guys articles to read and all of that had slammed to a halt and I ran out of articles, unable to tie my brain down to my tablet and go through Twitter. I was awake though and I was ready to go. My brain was not betraying me, the loneliness was gone and I told myself to hurry up and take advantage of the light in my brain and I began to look through Twitter for articles and went so far as to begin new plans for this blog.
I awoke today clear headed and excited about this blog. My hope is that I can hang on to this wonderful feeling and spend the day making plans for the next few weeks on this blog. I want there to be content that is useful for you all and that will get you involved.
So, today I skip the exercise, I keep the house warm and I recommit to this page. You probably didn't notice anything different but it was glaringly obvious to me that so much was missing and the me without bipolar episodes can and will breathe new life into this page.
I hope you all have a good day today! I'll be here working.
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