Monday, February 09, 2015

I Wonder If He Tells Me The Truth. I Wonder If He Knows

Yesterday was one of those rough days I had to fight through for myself because of my bipolar. It may be why I am writing what I am today, perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me.

Yesterday Thomas was in a perfectly good mood. He appeared to be just as good as he has been for a few weeks now. He had to work and I was late with dinner and he showed no signs of anxiety about that. He did pretty good except for a couple of moments that made me stop in my tracks and question if he was struggling again. I have to be very careful of my judgments of his behavior when I am off because I don't know how much of it is my own mind playing tricks on me.

I am wondering if he has some kind of voice back and I am wondering about his paranoia. In therapy he reported his paranoia was a 1 out of 10 which is good. The thing is, he has abandoned his computer for his tablet except to play one video game and it makes me wonder if something is going on with him and his computer. When asked, he said he just wanted to be on his tablet for a while. He's on his table now A LOT. This is one of those "disturbances in the force" that I have talked about before. It's like my mom radar is picking up on something but I can't put my finger on it.

Then last night he worked. He went to work pretty happy and joked when we pulled in the lot about all of the carts in the corrals that he was going to have to bring in. He even tried to justify each car's presence in the lot after I said it looked busy. He went on to tell me that 3 of the cars belong to employees and that some are for the drug store across the lot and the other cars are probably for the mall and the salon. He had it all figured out even though the bulk of the cars were parked in front of his store. I let it go. I thought it was weird how he was so detailed in explaining every car away from his store. As I dropped him off he told me he would be walking home from work and that I didn't need to come pick him up.

Good for him!


I thought so anyway.

After work he texted me and told me he was on his way home. I unlocked the front door and waited for him while I played games on my phone. When he walked in the door I could tell something wasn't right. I pinned it on being tired until I asked him if he was tired and he said,

"No not really."

I could see him struggling with something but I couldn't figure out what. I asked him if his walk had gone okay and his "yes" was very underwhelming. I was unconvinced that it had been okay. SOMETHING was bothering him. I just don't know what. I hugged him and held him a long time and felt a lump in my throat but without him confirming anything was wrong, I was left to my mom radar which, of course, yielded nothing when I asked him.

This brings me to the questions above. I wonder, first, if he tells me the truth. He knows how excited I am about his stability and I wonder if he's protecting me from times where he's not doing so well because he doesn't want to burst my happy bubble. The other question I asked is, I wonder if he even knows there is something wrong. Oftentimes in the past he has been struggling with stuff and I picked up on it long before he was truly conscious of it.

Who's to say really. When he is asked he says he's fine so I'm going to take it at face value but in the back of my mind I am going to keep an eye on him for a while.

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