Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Fog And "Silent Hill"

This rather creepy bank of fog enveloped my town yesterday. When Thomas and I left to go talk to his manager about his hours, the lower part of the town where we live was covered but as we travelled up the hill it got better. When we got done with our meeting and headed back down the hill we found ourselves back in this pea soup fog. It was a rather strange phenomena for our area and I'll admit it was a little creepy.

When Thomas and I left to take him to work it had thickened a great deal and enveloped our car and we couldn't see 50 feet in front of us--if that. As we pulled out of the driveway Thomas said that "people would say this is like 'Silent Hill'". Now, my knowledge of "Silent Hill" is that it is a creepy video game where this place is covered in a big thick fog and you are hunted by something scary. Thomas could probably tell you a lot more about it but I didn't ask him. I didn't ask because I could tell he was already freaked out and I thought, in telling the story, that he would freak himself out even more. I don't need that. After Thomas believing that Slender Man was hunting him for over a year, I didn't want him to attach to the whole theme of Silent Hill and begin another psychosis fueled trend.

I really hate these video games. I also hate the videos on YouTube designed to scare and more than anything I hate that I can't control what Thomas watches. Having him sit alone in his room with these scary things is much like holding him down while he is tortured. He doesn't seem to have the filters or the control to stop himself from watching this stuff thereby adding this nonsense to his already fragile mind, wide open to suggestion. The scarier or more professionally created to look like a real place or situation the video is, the more I worry about him. I worry about him, even in this more stable state but I have to say, in some ways stability had it's concerns too.

I know you may probably think I'm crazy for saying this but I believe that Thomas is more susceptible to negativity (in videos for example) BECAUSE he is stable. I think what happens is that he comes upon one of these videos and he believes he feels strong enough to watch it only after a while the psychosis/schizophrenia switch begins to get toggled with and may even flip like it did the other day with that other video. I think stability, to some degree for a person living with schizophrenia, gives a false sense of control over what they feel they can take in to their minds. I can't tell you how many times, myself, with my bipolar, that I have walked into situations thinking I was strong enough to handle it and then came out the other side a wreck. Perhaps Thomas and I share the same mechanism that is weakened in the brain by stability. One might think of it a bit like a tightrope. Sure, we can walk it, for a while now we've been able to, but then the 5th or 10th time we go out on it a gust of wind blows by and suddenly we find ourselves in the net below the rope line wondering what the heck just happened.

I think Thomas, with his shiny new stability, walks that same tightrope, his having the need to watch scary videos and like last night in the thick, oppressive fog, he teeters on that rope trying not to fall.

In the end I have no control. I am acutely aware of how little control I have over ANYTHING really. What I AM left with is an ability to find the fun in the fog, the beauty of it's droplets in the headlights ahead and with any other positive distraction I can come up with to take his mind off of this Silent Hill character. It is a never ending game of cat and mouse with this illness. It weasels its way in wherever it can find a weak spot and I imagine it rubbing it's hands together diabolically and chuckling to itself saying:

"I got in, now let me see what damage I can do next."

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