Wednesday, January 28, 2015

In Then Out. Again.

First of all I want to thank all of you for responding to yesterday's post with a sweet compassion that I really needed. I thank you all for sharing your own stories and advice. I sat here in tears this morning as I read each and every one of your posts. I get so wrapped up in Thomas's life and telling his story that I forget sometimes that you guys support me too, even in things outside of Thomas's schizophrenia. You all are amazing and I can't thank you enough for all that you do and for your participation on my page. Not only do you care for me and Thomas but you go above and beyond by sharing the articles I have been posting lately and you're commenting on them too with your opinions and I absolutely love reading your thoughts on the articles because when I read them I see them my way but when I read your comments I see them in a whole new light. What a wonderful learning forum we have here, a lot of us unafraid to share our own stories and thoughts. I couldn't ask for more.

I wanted to update you after yesterday's post. With my version of bipolar I cycle quite a bit and sometimes go days depressed or mixed and then suddenly a light comes on and everything seems fine. That was my yesterday. I don't know what my light was but I was able to fold the laundry that had piled up, I showered and took care of myself and I made Thomas's favorite dinner. He had come in earlier in the day to grab a snack from the kitchen and saw the ingredients sitting on the counter for dinner and he asked what we were having and when I told him he said,

"Oh okay, then I'm going to save my appetite for dinner tonight."

(insert big smile from him here)

This made me happy because I knew I had given him something to look forward to and I knew I was going to fill his belly with something he truly loved. After yesterday I really needed to be able to do something nice for him to show him that I hadn't disappeared completely.

At dinner time I asked him to come in the kitchen and decide how much of the enchiladas he wanted on his plate and he took a HUGE portion and went and sat down to eat. I relished watching him eat and he even thanked me twice for making it and told me more than once how good it was. There was some left over and he works tonight so I saved the rest for him to have for dinner tonight before work. That will make him happy.

As for yesterday, Thomas was out in the living room again with me all day. I came up from walking on the treadmill and there he was just sitting in the living room watching YouTube on his phone. He had been waiting for me. Throughout the entire day he stayed by my side in the living room and I think when he could finally see I was doing well he retired to his room to play a game. Many of you said I should open up to him and gently tell him I'm struggling and often I do because I don't want him feeling responsible for my moods--like he CAUSED them. In the absence of me talking to him, we still have a bond that is strong enough that he just knows when I'm not doing well. I think that was what yesterday was all about. He knew I was struggling and he silently stayed by my side.

Thomas really is a remarkable young soul. For all that he battles, he finds time to take care of me too. When he's at his worst he's still in tune with some of my moods but when he's well he is a champion at reading a situation. At least where it involves me. He has done this since he was probably 3 years old beginning with bringing me a Kleenex when I was crying and he has never wavered in his love and support for me. I am a lucky mom.

Today is a new day though. It seems the good day from yesterday has evaporated as I have woken up now shaking and tearful and dreading the day. True to form I have cycled again and find myself in a new day with new emotional/mental battles. My husband, Dan, is home from work today and we are all excited about our favorite NFL team (Seahawks) in the Super Bowl so the plan for today is to go shopping for a bunch of junk food to eat while we watch the game. Most importantly about doing that will be me inviting Thomas to go with us and letting him pick out his snacks. He will love that. 

So, I live to fight another day and in part because of all of you and your support. I am humbled by your words and grateful for your love. I only wish I could repay you in some way.

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