Friday, January 23, 2015

Head Down, Eyes Averted

Since Dr. K. follows this blog I thought to myself going in to Thomas's therapy that I wasn't going to be invited in because I was certain he had read some of the posts about how good Thomas is doing. I sat in the waiting room and texted with my sister and I joked with her about how I'll be rejected and that my services are no longer needed in Thomas's therapy. A part of me was laughing but to tell you the truth, a part of me was kind of sad and felt the impending "rejection" looming. I do realize that it's nothing personal, that it's not that I'm not doing something right in my role as Thomas's caregiver but I have come to appreciate being in on Thomas's sessions so that I can offer something up for discussion. The truth of the matter was, though, I really had nothing to offer anyway. I couldn't even conjure up one little thing to weasel my way into the session. This is good. I know that. Don't get me wrong here. I just felt........

Lost.

As I sat there texting my sister I kept my head down and my eyes averted from Dr. K.'s office door. I knew any minute he'd be out and I wasn't totally prepared for what I knew was about to happen. When he came out we made eye contact and he said to me,

"If you don't have anything significant to report then you are free to go."

Go?

Go where?

This is where I belong.

I shook my head indicating that I had nothing to report and he took Thomas into his office and I just sat there in the waiting room for a little bit contemplating my new fate. Go. But where? Home? To shop? Where?

So I decided to just sit there and play Trivia Crack (it's a fun game, check it out) on my phone. Within a few minutes I was hating the chair I was sitting in. I missed Dr. K.'s warm office with a fireplace and my comfy, though low to the floor and hard to get out of, chair. I was getting cold and my car with its heated seats and blasting warm air became much more appealing. Besides that, there's no smoking or vaping allowed and I needed to go vape away the anxiety I was feeling. So I headed out to my car and sat in the parking lot in the warmth and rifled through Twitter looking for things for this page for all of you.

When Thomas came out, he was in a GREAT mood. That made me happy. At least therapy had gone well enough that he came out happy. I asked him how it went and he said, "Fine", and I knew that was all I was going to get out of him. Besides, it wasn't my therapy session to be privy to anymore. It was no longer about Dr. K. and I together helping Thomas. Instead it seems that now it's about Thomas helping Thomas and that is a good thing. A big step.

We headed for the bank so Thomas could deposit a check and I asked him,

"What are you going to buy with the money?"

Another gun, another BB gun. Ugh. Why? I am NOT A FAN of these guns even though they just shoot BB's. I don't like the image of him holding a gun of any kind and this is something I have fought him about since he was young. Now he's wanting another one. Great. I let my displeasure be known only by way of not showing any excitement about his planned purchase. I can't really say no to him, that he can't get the gun, because he's no longer my kid under my rules. Saying anything about it is pointless so I tried to brush it away. Truth be told, I'm angry about it. I don't want him having guns of any kind. I've never liked guns, they scare me and most of all I hate seeing them lying there on Thomas's bedroom floor. There's nothing I can do, though, so I just let it be.

Next we went and picked up his meds and Thomas waited in the car while I went in because he was setting up a "hang out" with Patrick (yes, again) and wanted to sit in the car and text with him and make plans. In I went, into the pharmacy, and I picked up the meds and came out to discover that Thomas would be leaving for Patrick's the minute we got home.

What a day it had been! There was nothing on earth that screamed "stability" more than being booted out of therapy and then left alone for the evening as Thomas went to Patrick's house. I can hardly believe that it's happening!

I am actually now headed into the phase of relief, of not worrying, of relaxation, of not wondering what's next. I'm putting faith in this stability and I am going to relish it for now. Thomas is bright-eyed and social now. He's actually a real live 20-year-old kid living a normal life.

I wonder what's next for him?

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