Thursday, January 08, 2015

He Hears Me Calling



It has begun again. I'm not sure how it starts or why it's me but I am now being checked in with a lot.

"What mom?"

"Did you say something to me mom?"

Now, I don't know what's going on but I think the voices are back, or rather, my voice is back. When he began hearing voices before, a long time ago, I got the same thing. He'll be in his room and I'll be doing housework or reading or something and he'll ask me what I said. So, what is he hearing?

In the scheme of things, hearing MY voice talking to him is seemingly far down the list of things to worry about since I guess he believes I am just (perhaps) calling him into the kitchen for a snack or asking him a question. It's not like there is a command voice instructing him to do bad things or a voice that torments him with insults and cruel observations about himself or his world. It is just me, his safe zone, his mom who loves him. The thing is, though, I know it's still a voice that he's hearing and that voice is coming back.

It came to a point the other day where I was finding it hard to tell him that it wasn't me calling out for him. He's so expectant of an answer, he worries about me and he wants to be sure he responds to me. Constantly telling him that it's not me calling him is starting to break my heart. I haven't exactly sat down and had a conversation with him about it either. Something stops me from doing that. I don't
think any one of us wants to say,

"You're hearing voices again. It's not me talking to you."

It's certainly not something I want to say right now. Perhaps because it feels like a defeat in some ways. With him doing so well emotionally, it just seems cruel to bring up that his schizophrenia symptoms are coming back. Besides, what's the harm in him thinking he just hears me talking to him? I don't know. I'm torn. When he asks me,

"What did you say mom?"

I tell him that I didn't say anything but that's all the further I'll take it. He seemed unfazed by my response and just goes back to what he was doing but I find myself just standing there thinking to myself,

"Oh no, not again."

I guess in a way I am lucky as his mom and caregiver that what summons him is me. I just wish nobody was summoning him and that this isn't happening. Dr. K. has said in the past about of this type of voice, that it could be worse.

Yes.

Worse.

And yet...in a way...it's worse because that means something isn't working and of course I'll call out those ever-annoying meds. I was talking to my mom yesterday about the meds and I likened it to a bacterial infection and antibiotics.

First you get this nasty infection and you go to the doctor for antibiotics and it begins to treat the infection and you begin to feel better but towards the end of the course of antibiotics, the bacteria mutates and suddenly your antibiotics aren't working and they have to try something new to combat the mutated bacteria.

Thomas...has a bacterial infection...and it's name is schizophrenia. And those antibiotics, those antipsychotics, aren't doing their job because for whatever mystical reason, Thomas is showing signs of psychosis again. Psychosis is at the top of the list of the most insidious "diseases". It's pernicious and I really hate it's little black "molecules" that mutate and occupy a different part of his brain previously untouched by psychosis or a part that we thought we had healed. It's a nasty little bugger that has a longer staying power than anything I know and I swear I can hear it laughing a wicked laugh when Thomas calls out for me from another room asking me what I just said to him. Oh what I would give for an industrial fly swatter to knock it to kingdom come whenever it shows its nasty self in this house.

That is, however, not possible. There is no fly swatter and there is no way to stop its mutation. Sadly we all have to stand aside and let psychosis run roughshod through Thomas's brain and through our life.

Today is therapy day. I suppose the time has come for me to have a serious conversation with Thomas about the voice. I think it's time we bring it up to Dr. K. and see what he thinks.

I hate this. He was/is doing so good. Emotionally he's doing really good and now this.

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