Saturday, January 24, 2015

From A Precious Young Woman, Hannah Miller, Who Bravely Shares Her Story Here For All Of You.

This is Hannah's story about what it's like to live with schizoaffective disorder. Thank you Hannah for bravely letting me share this with the world. You are truly amazing!

Stuck in Wonderland
Ever been stuck somewhere and there are no ways out? Everyday is an endless battle of trying to climb out of a rabbit hole that you somehow fell into. One day you think you know who you are and with one word your whole world gets shattered into pieces and your grasping at all of them to try to bring you back to where things made sense. But at the same time, you are just wondering if anything ever really made sense?

Have you ever been down the rabbit hole filled with false beliefs and delusions tucking you in at night? Not knowing what is real, who is real and if anything is real at all? Ever been stuck inside of your own head screaming, begging to come out just desperately begging for a moment of peace? Where voices that are not your own invade your every thought, giving their opinion and expecting you to believe it to.

One word changed my whole life. A word that made others look at me different. A word that has so many meanings.

Schizoaffective disorder.

Most people do not even know about schizoaffective disorder because it is so rare. It is a form of schizophrenia mixed with a mood disorder.

Since that word came into my life, my life has not been the same. I live clinging to what people tell me is reality. I live in constant fear that today will be the day I lose grip of reality. I live in fear of my own mind. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have this disorder. I wonder what it feels like to be able to leave my house without paranoia. I sometimes wonder what living would feel like without fear.

Although it is hard on me it is also hard on my family. They live in fear with me. It's not easy to love someone with this disorder. I know that they wonder if today is the day we have to send her back to the hospital. Or is today the day she loses all touch of reality. They are the ones who have to watch me cry and beg for peace yet there is nothing they can do to help. So they feel helpless. As much as it hurts me it hurts them as equally bad. They have to be strong because at times I can't be. They have to put their lives on hold when things get bad in mine. Even thou I have them to hold me up and to help with the fear they have no one to help them with this. They live in fear with me.

Its funny how one word can change everything about you. How taking medication everyday so that you can function in a world that doesn't understand you. Living in a world that is scared of you because of what they hear in the media. One word, one moment, can change how people look at you and how people treat you. At first people stand by you and tell you everything will be alright. But slowly they disappear.

--Written by Hannah Miller
Page member and courageous contributor

Please share your thoughts and support for Hannah in the comments section. I'm certain she would love to hear from all of you. <3

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