Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Tides Turn

I sat yesterday morning in front of my computer just staring at the screen after having had a rough night. It was one in a line of 3 that I had had but yesterday's was particularly rough. I thought I'd take a break from writing, try to get some better sleep or just hope that good sleep last night would spontaneously happen but it didn't. I spent yesterday in a weird place just as I had before and I literally sat most of the day in my chair doing little more than watching TV and after last night, I expect little else to happen today also.

I am not in a good place.

For those of you who have been a part of my page for a while, you know that I live with bipolar disorder and if you've been here a year you know that winter is my time of year for falling into the mania aspect of the illness. My mania though is not the "fun" kind. I don't think I can conquer the world, I don't go shopping and fill my closet with beautiful things, I'm not wildly talkative and engaging, instead I live with the nasty mania where I am agitated, frustrated, I don't sleep and my brain feels like it's alive. Not alive in the sense that it's working in overtime, rather that my brain, the flesh and blood of it, is squirming around in my head. I don't know if any of you suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) but if you do, imagine that feeling inside of your brain. Trying to capture a thought is nearly impossible and (sorry to be gross here) I want to tear my brain from my skull. There is no symptom of bipolar mania that is pleasant, even the "fun" stuff isn't really good but if forced to choose, I'd choose the happy stuff over the hell I am currently in. My illness follows a trend that starts much like it's now started and moves into a reckless kind of mania where I have all of the frustration and agitation but I also become impulsive, outspoken and unable to sit still.

I am writing this because you guys are a part of my life, a part of Thomas's life and a part of my marriage at times. You are family in a sense and it is with family that I share my own struggles outside of the things that go on with Thomas. So, today, I am writing about my own life because I believe you need to know what I go through as a human being outside of being a caregiver for Thomas.

I have read that schizophrenia and bipolar are tied genetically (along with about 6 other disorders) and knowing that, I am aware that my own illness contributed to Thomas's. As far as I am concerned, he got the raw end of the deal having been bestowed with schizophrenia as opposed to what I got when genes were splitting and/or distributing themselves in the womb. When I get sick I am painfully aware that it is my genetics that contributed to his illness and my heart breaks.

While my illness takes another course in a lot of ways, Thomas and I share some similar symptoms. At it's worst (and in a few ways I'm there now) my own illness causes paranoia, a touch of delusional thinking and some, how shall I say this, weird night time experiences which I believe amount to hypnogogic and hypnopompic hallucinations which are hallucinations that happen just as a person is falling asleep and then again as they wake up. While not considered traditional hallucinations found in schizophrenia, they are a scary experience nonetheless and they are something I am currently experiencing.

My illness is back, its course it takes throughout the year is right on time. Much like Thomas, the Fall and early Winter is my "witching hour" where something happens inside my brain, a light switch is flipped, and my illness become unpleasant.

Now, I tell you all of this because I need something from all of you. Oftentimes my scrambled brain wins out over my desire to do the things I love which includes writing this blog so there may be times where I don't write in the mornings. Don't take my disappearance as anything more than me having a "bad day" and needing a break to try to smooth the feathers of my brain and calm it down a bit. Even then, even if I am struggling though, I will write if something is going on with Thomas that I think needs to be shared. Luckily for me, for the last few days since my illness roared to life, Thomas has been doing reasonably well which is nice because it has given me a chance to settle the demons in my own brain and get back on my feet.

So, today I take a "selfish day" and talk about my own illness. I hope you don't mind. I am working on getting back on my feet which may take some time but in the mean time I hope you'll give me room to be flexible with this blog.

I love you all and appreciate your support of Thomas. I guess I'm asking for a little of that same support for my own illness as the Winter months wear on. I will be here on my blog though watching out for private messages and answering those as best as I can because I know so many of you need support of your own but apart from that, I will just post things like my advent calendar and other little informational things for you to read and hopefully 'like' and share when I am unable to post a morning blog post on some days.

Thank you all for indulging me today as I explain my own struggles. You all are simply amazing.

1 comment:

  1. Hang it there, as this too shall pass. I hope you also have a caring doctor, as Thomas does, who can help you during this difficult time.

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