Saturday, December 20, 2014

My Son, YOU ARE MY LIFE

I didn't mention it in my post to you that I wrote prior to Thomas's post yesterday because I wanted you guys to see in Thomas's post what YOU saw in it. As his mom, however, I saw something that broke my heart. We had had conversations about similar things before but after his post I felt he needed reminded of something. One of the things that I took away from his post is that he feels that he is a burden to me. That couldn't be further from the truth and so I had to have a talk with him about that.

I sat down with him yesterday and I told him that I took from his post that he felt he is a burden to me. I asked him if I had read that correctly. His answer?

"Yes, sometimes I do."

Nooooo! Oh my gosh, how could he? I felt horrible that I might have ever left him with the impression that driving him to his appointments and to work were a burden to me. I felt horrible that he thought that his being a part of my life brought about any sense of burden on my part. So, I talked to him and told him this:

"Kiddo, you are my everything. You are my child, my young man. You are a piece of me outside of myself. You are NEVER a burden to me. I love driving you to therapy and to work. I love our quality time in the car going those places. I love that we listen to music together and talk about how your evening at work went. I love being able to get you to your appointments so that you can get the help you need. I love going to stores and walking around together and looking at things, especially Christmas stuff. I love sitting and watching shows with you. I love it when you bring your tablet out into the living room and even though you're plugged into it and we don't talk, I love that you're out here with me. I love your company. I love that today you brought out, into the living room, your newest Gundam model to build and that I get to be there every step of the way as you complete each piece of it and show it to me. I love seeing you work so hard at it and I am so proud of you that you are able to build those things even though the instruction booklet is all in Japanese. I love going out to lunch with you and Grandma like we did today and I love sitting beside you as we talk about your girlfriend Jess and imagine what it would be like to go visit her. I love every moment with you and I wouldn't trade it for anything."

I watched as he lit up as I talked and I knew that I was helping him feel better. It was so important to me that he didn't feel as if he is a burden to me because I didn't want him going through his life thinking that and not talking to me about it. So, I asked him,

"Do you believe what I am saying? Right now, at your very core, do you understand how much I love you and that you aren't a burden to me?"

He replied,

"Yes, I can see now that I'm not but probably later today I'll forget that and start feeling like that again."

To which I asked him,

"Do you want me to remind you from time to time that you aren't a burden and tell you how much I love being with you?"

Yes, he did. Very much.

So, right then and there I promised him and committed to myself to make sure he understood all the time how much I love him and how much I don't mind doing things for him like driving him to work.

His post broke my heart in many ways and him feeling "abnormal" and a burden to me was just something I couldn't live with. We talked a lot about what "normal" means and ultimately that nobody is normal and that the people who seem normal just hide their abnormality well. Everyone is afraid of feeling like an outcast but the truth of the matter is, in our own ways, we all belong together in one way or another. Normal is overrated and frankly, I personally am quite fine not feeling normal because I am unique and I am valuable to the world in my own way and it is important that he feels the same way.

In the end, the only message I needed to get across to him is that HE IS MY LIFE and I am honored to share this life we live together with him.

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