Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Left Behind

While Thomas is still doing well mood-wise, he had a bit of a rough day yesterday. He's not showering again so he looked pretty scruffy and he had a huge need to be with me.

The showering thing still makes me sad in so many ways. I still don't understand it and I'm not sure I ever will. He says he doesn't take them because he itches afterwards but I watch him when he does shower and he's not itching every time. He has abandoned the use of soap altogether, he shaves with just water but I'm pretty certain he uses his shampoo. I don't get it. I just wish he could see himself through my eyes. I want to give him room to be an adult, to care about what he looks like and to understand how he looks to the outside world but none of those things seem to be happening. When he does shower it seems that he's doing it on a day that he works which shows that he understands to some degree that he needs to take care of himself but then during a week like this where he doesn't work at all, he lets himself go. I have given up having "the talk" with him about it as he has told me many times he has a "schedule" that he follows for showering which is supposedly every 4th day but this week that's not happening. I hate that we can gain ground with this illness--like how his mood is changing for the better--yet we can't seem to get rid of other aspects of it. I am not taking the mood lift for granted at all but I wish other symptoms like showering resolved themselves along with that.

Then yesterday he was desperate to be with me constantly. My mom and I were going to do some shopping and he asked if he could go with us. The truth is, first and foremost, part of the shopping had to do with buying him something for Christmas. Our big box store Costco sells Coca-Cola in glass bottles made with real sugar and they come from Mexico and Thomas just loves them. Every year, "Santa" brings them for him and every year he sees it under the tree and says,

"Gee, I wonder what these are?"

with a twinkle in his eyes. I don't even know why I bother to wrap them anymore except for the fact that I think he likes having it to open on Christmas morning.

Because I was shopping for that Coke, I couldn't take him with us and I felt so horrible and told him that his grandma and I needed some time together to talk about some things going on with her. His response?

"Oh."

With the world's saddest expression on his face and what I'm sure was a huge sense of rejection. I felt just HORRIBLE but I also wanted to get this gift for him.

The thing I used to also justify part of my leaving him was that he needs to know that he has to be on his own once in a while. I'm here with him so much and I need a break away from him so that I'm not living my entire life for him. I still felt crazy guilty leaving him but I had to go alone to prove that point to him.

Once home, I was doing things around the house and he came out and sat in the living room with me. He just had to be close.

When this happens, I always attribute it to some "disturbance in the force" as I call it. I don't know what goes on inside of him that he needs me so close to him all of a sudden. I have never gotten an answer to that when I've asked him other than him saying that he "just gets bored in his room." Perhaps that's all it is, too, but still...it feels like something is off with him.

So, yesterday was kind of an off day for him. For whatever reason he just wasn't the kid I have seen for the last couple of weeks and by evening time when my husband and I were going to go get take-out dinner, Thomas insisted he go with us. He just didn't want to be alone yesterday. I just wish I knew why.

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