Monday, December 01, 2014

It's The Little Things That Make All Of The Difference

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I went into the housewares section with my mom. Next to it was the bed and bath section and I spotted the walls of pillows. I immediately thought of Thomas because he really needed a new pillow. While picking one out I tried to find one that could handle all of is drooling that is a side effect of his clozaril. He also sleeps hot so I found one that "wicks away moisture" and keep you cool. I wandered back over to my mom and then it dawned on me that his pillow could use new cases so I went back and found two waterproof cases and 4 very soft, 400 thread count, pillow cases for him so that he could change them regularly.

This side effect of hyper-salivation is one of the side effects that hurts me most for Thomas. Like with all things, for the most part, Thomas takes it in stride, seemingly resigned to the side effects, a price he has to pay to stay healthy on his meds. Frankly, to me, it's darn near unacceptable if I were him. I hate waking up having drooled even a little bit and he wakes in a puddle every day.

When I got home with his gifts I went into his room and told him I got him a new pillow. He stood up as I set it on his bed. He was ready to change out his old one for his new one right at that moment. I told him I needed to first wash the new cases for him so he could put the regular case and the waterproof one on at the same time.

He was so disappointed.

You should have seen him, so eager to get his new pillow set up and tucked safely in bed. I went and got the washer started and came back and he was still standing there looking at the new pillow. My heart broke for him and I decided to help him get his new pillow ready using another case I found that didn't match his bedding but that would do the trick for now. Together we got it put together and then I told him to hand me his old pillow and I'd wash the case and throw the pillow out. He handed it to me and, again, my heart broke as I held in my hands a misshapen, damp, quite gross, pillow. I didn't know that it had been in such terrible condition and I felt horrible. I took the damp pillow out of his room, took off the case and walked out to the trash to throw it away for good.

Good riddance.

How could I have let this go on like this for so long? I guess the truth of the matter is that he should have said something to me about how miserable his pillow was but he hadn't. This is what KILLS me about this illness. Or maybe it's just Thomas, I don't know. It just kills me that he doesn't think to say anything to me, that he doesn't just change the pillowcase himself, that he just does nothing whatsoever but sleep night after night on a disgusting pillow. For God's sake he's 20! Why can't he see that it needs to be cleaned? The fact of the matter is, though, is that yes, he is 20, but he's sick, he doesn't think clearly, and once he's up out of bed and by the time he's brushed his teeth and gotten his retainer cleaned and used the bathroom he's probably forgotten about the damp, misshapen pillow anyway. But what about at night? Doesn't he hate laying down on that disgusting pillow? Probably not since by that point he's so drugged he can't be bothered to do anything but lay down and go to sleep.

I feel just HORRIBLE for him. That is no way to live.

No way at all.

So I was happy that I'd happened past the bed and bath section of Wal-Mart and picked up a new pillow for him. Best of all, seeing the happiness on his face when I brought it in his room made me even happier and the fact that he stood at the ready to change out his old one for a new one showed me, in the end, how much he really really needed and appreciated a new one. It was such a small gesture on my part. An act of love. In the end though it made all the difference and last night he slept on a clean, regular shaped pillow with new cases.

I just wish he'd tell me when he's miserable. I just wish he could identify that he's miserable. I just wish that he KNEW he was miserable, that he deserved more than a mediocre, at best, pillow.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Most Popular Posts...

Follow my posts by Email:

Follow Me On Twitter