Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Time Bomb

There's been something going on that I'm not talking about. Something I think a lot of us deal with but for me it's kind of new. It turns out that Thomas's newest delusion makes him want to hurt people. Obviously this isn't good and I'm kind of lost as to what to do next. First, here's how the conversation about this went down.

He was asked, about his delusion,

"Do you ever want to hurt anyone?"

"Yes."

"There are 3 kinds of hurting someone. You can hurt yourself, others or objects."

Before the word "objects" was out of Dr. K.'s mouth Thomas immediately jumped on "others". Just like that. No hesitation. Both the good doctor and I stopped a second then went on with talking about it. Then, taking that thought, I ran with it when we got in the car and I asked Thomas if he ever felt like hurting me. Not a moment of hesitation went by and he matter-of-factly said, "Yes."

Terrific.

I took the news like a pro, with a measure of indifference, and I immediately told him,

"Well, I love you no matter what."

What else could I say?

Then I kind of sat on that development and finally emailed Dr. K. a short two sentence email telling him about what Thomas had said about hurting me and this morning I got an answer. Bear in mind, Dr. K. never asks me in emails how I feel about things, how I'm doing. Never, that I can remember. His email, however, was just a two sentence email asking me "are you doing okay with his answer?" Then he stated that it took courage for Thomas to tell me that.

Here's the thing about the courage part of this. Just like when he was asked about hurting himself, others or objects, he didn't miss a beat before answering. It was impulsive. And when I asked him about hurting me he answered just as quickly. Courage, I believe, played no part in it. I don't think he stopped for even a moment to consider how this might affect me. I don't think he did anything but answer a question honestly. Which is okay, to me, in a way, because I think those impulsive answers contain the most truth because they are the first thing he thinks and the first thing out of his mouth.

The thing is, when he said what he said in therapy both the doc and I took his answers with a level of acceptance which might have been a mistake, I don't know. If he thinks we accept this part of him I wonder if he thinks it's okay to feel like this.

Is it okay?

Then, as for Dr. K.'s question to me, "am I doing okay with his answer", I would say, honestly, no, I'm kind of not doing okay. I think I am forever changed. I think I'm looking back on times when Thomas and I weren't getting along and he gave me THIS LOOK that scared me and made me stop for a second and decide if it was worth my safety to pursue the argument. Not once have I continued the argument. Not once.

And I never will again.

Ever.

So, had Dr. K. not asked me if I was doing okay with the answer I think I might have tried to write this off like I do a lot of things about this illness. I think it's self-preservation to some degree to deny some of the aspects of this illness. But now that he asked, now that it appears to me that I have reason to be concerned, I am concerned and I am definitely not okay with the answer.

As for what to do with the answer? I don't know exactly. I'm at a loss. This new delusion scared me to begin with and now that he has said he feels like hurting others it adds a whole new level to it. I mean, someone has handed you a ticking time bomb, what do you do with it? I, personally, know nothing about diffusing this particular bomb and so here I sit, stock still, trying to figure out what to do as the seconds tick by.

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