Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Conversation With Thomas

Thank you so much everyone for your responses to my post yesterday. You gave me a lot to think about. I have to say that I am....apprehensive...maybe not scared...but apprehensive around Thomas now and will be from now on. He woke up in a mood and gave me THE LOOK that I now will call his warning look which includes a snap of the head to look at me and angry eyes and no words about what I do that upsets him. I don't like those looks. I never have. Now, however, they take on a much bigger meaning now that I know what I know about his potentially violent side.

I took a walk with him with the intent of questioning him a little bit about this but it took half the walk for me to get the courage to even start the conversation. Half afraid of the answer and half afraid of angering him, I just couldn't begin. Finally I began with telling him that I wanted to talk to him about this belief that he has a demon inside of him (I use the term belief because I am not going to back this delusion and "belief" means it's on him and him alone). I felt him go on guard. I started by asking him about what he had said about hurting me. Has he felt like hurting me lately? (No) What is it that I have done that has caused him to feel like hurting me? (I don't know) What stops you from going through with hurting me? (It's like I said in Dr. K.'s office, pure self control) Do you think there's a chance that you wouldn't be able to keep that self control? (Maybe) Do you hear a voice telling you to hurt me or someone? (No) Do you have any thoughts at all before you feel like you're about to hurt someone? (No) Do you feel like that demon is stronger inside of you when you have those thoughts? (Yes) Do you understand that I am all you have in this world to care for you and that you can't be hurting me? (Yes) Do you know that I love you very much and don't believe I should be a victim of violence from you? (Yes)

So, okay, you guys can take away from that conversation what you want. But here is my takeaway. Yes, he hasn't felt like hurting me lately.

That is good.

Yes, he is talking to me about all of this.

That is good.

Here is what concerns me though. It's the I don't knows and maybes that concern me and also the fact that there is zero thought in his head before the impulse to hurt me or someone. That "zero thought" is scary because to me that shows just how impulsive his actions would be. A lot of damage can be done on impulse.

I think about how he decided one night at work that he hated his job and he was going to quit right on the spot. Just like that. Granted he didn't end up quitting but the desire to make this choice purely on impulse literally drove him insane and he became physically ill and off the charts anxious. In that instance his self control was in place but the desire to quit was so strong that he made himself sick. This is what I worry about. At some point, a person cannot take that kind of stress on themselves and their mind and they snap. In a totally different way I have had that experience myself under stress. Overwrought with incoming stressors I fought like crazy to keep control and finally I just couldn't take it anymore and I got very angry, ranting at my husband and crying and just generally losing my mind. I never wanted to hurt anyone but my illustration here is that of a person who is under so much pressure and finally snaps.

There is much to celebrate about these last couple days with Thomas. The fact that he's talking is amazing and the fact that he currently doesn't feel like hurting me is good. That's where we all celebrate. But the larger problem, and not worthy of a celebration, is the impulsive nature of this delusion and it is a HUGE reason to be concerned and I need to be vigilant with him and adjust my dealings with him, keeping arguments to a minimum etc.

I am forever changed. My love for my boy hasn't changed. My desire to be his caregiver hasn't changed. What has changed is that I now understand that there is a particularly nasty delusion in control right now and I'm scared. I am unable to come up with a way to work with this particular delusion because apart from the tiger eye, I am out of ideas. I don't want to fuel the delusion but I have no idea how to discuss it with him without, in some way, acknowledging it's existence. I am a bit lost right now.

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