Thursday, November 06, 2014

Lonely In A Crowd

It's been a tough few days here in the Jimenez/Thomas household as it becomes more and more apparent that Thomas is headed into another round of this illness and Dan withdraws from all of it. On top of that, my mom who is my sounding board is gone to Arizona until Thanksgiving and my sister has gone back home to Virginia. I am, believe it or not, not a very social person. I never have been, at least not in my adult life. Thomas's illness complicates things some because at this point my life has become about him and I am unwilling to cultivate friendships with anyone outside of this sphere of schizophrenia. I know that's not necessarily healthy thinking but I really just feel like I don't have the energy to have a life outside of all of this. On my personal Facebook page my banner says,

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why. (Mark Twain)"

and ever since Thomas got sick, ever since I started this blog, ever since I have branched out and have written for other websites, the "why" of my being born is my mission to take care of Thomas and to educate the world on schizophrenia. Needless to say, that keeps me here in front of my computer a lot of the time.

I am not saying that I don't have friends because I do. I have met so many AMAZING women online on this journey who share my experiences and are an amazing support system. The kinds of friends I talk about though are the ones right here in my town. They don't exist. The problem with that is that leaves me, often, feeling alone. Aggravating that is that Dan is shut down about Thomas and/or I am now afraid to talk to him about my feelings about Thomas because he seems, more often than not, to get angry with either me or Thomas or both of us when I express my feelings. Thomas has a room air conditioner in his window and he's been asking for a couple weeks to have it taken out because he's cold in his room now with the change in season and I have put off asking Dan to take it out because of his withdrawal and attitude. I finally broke down yesterday and asked and, of course, it was met with annoyance on his part and I had to stand in Thomas's room while he took it out to protect Thomas from any anger that might get fired his direction. In a way, I now live in fear of angering Dan and that's just not a comfortable way to live.

In an effort to help him better understand that how Thomas is is not unlike many many others out there, I share your comments with him in the hopes that he'll understand that Thomas isn't doing this just to make him mad. It's a tough thing because sharing with him that others deal with the same thing is a double edge sword because I know that sometimes it helps but then other times I know by the big sigh I get after I read something or the outright checking out in the middle of what I am telling him that he's mad and wants to isolate.

I thought long and hard about therapy yesterday for the two of us and I feel like we'd be throwing money down the toilet trying to solve these problems because I know already how it'll go. We'll just be paying money and changing our environment just so we can argue over the same things we always argue over. Obviously I don't hold out much hope for a resolution to all of this. I know the resolution:

Thomas miraculously gets well, moves out, doesn't depend on us for financial support and we finally go on a vacation alone together to some exotic island.

That just isn't going to happen. Thomas needs us, he needs me. He can't even survive a day without me at least in the house with him so moving out, becoming financially independent and just becoming independent in general isn't happening anytime soon.

So, I find myself a lonely woman in a world where I live with this person who normally could be a support but isn't. Just yesterday I got a "callback" on an offer to write a blog regularly for a huge website. They are asking for another submission and after reading the email with the guidelines I became quite anxious knowing what's in front of me. Could I do this? Could I make this commitment? What if I'm feeling depressed and grief-stricken (from missing my dad) and stressed like I am right now and I need to get a post out there tomorrow? As you can see, the anxiety took over me and I began to doubt myself. This is where it would have been nice to have a husband or family member or friend sitting here beside me who would listen to me express my feelings and maybe even offer some support or a new way to look at things. Alas, that is not to be.

The thing is, I know I'm not alone alone. I have many people in my life but the thing is, and I know many of you can relate, even with all the people in the world around you, sometimes...sometimes you feel alone.

I don't know...I just miss my partners in life. My husband, my mom, my sister, dad. My dad would be able to help me. My dad would have sound advice for me, my dad would listen, my dad would be my dad and he would be my rock.

I miss him. I miss him beyond imagining.

And I miss my husband too.

So there it is, for today, I feel so lonely and so isolated sitting here at my computer drinking my fruit/veggie smoothie, listening to the Today Show, my hips and back in pain from walking for exercise more than my middle aged body can handle, with my son in the other room passed out from meds and me about to embark on a new project.

Forgive me for this post today. I just sit here with my husband at the desk next to me with out backs to each other and I feel alone.

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