Saturday, November 15, 2014

From Darkness To Light

What a week it has been for the Jimenez/Emery household. We went from highs to lows then back again. The great thing is, I can credit all of you with all of our highs. I have got to say something. I am deeply honored that you have responded to Thomas in the way that you have first with posting last week, questions for him to answer if he were to start a blog here and then supporting him this week through his latest delusion with some of you going to far as to tenaciously defend Thomas and chastise me for my use of some buzz words that upset you. It is those of you that did that that made me rethink how I'm talking about this new delusion of Thomas's and while I will talk about it in the future I will try to be more clear on my feelings and only use one of the buzz words that has repeatedly come from Thomas alone. I think it's important that you understand the use of the word where Thomas is concerned but I can tell you after reading your posts and consulting with some close friends in a support group and also losing a blogging position at Healthy Place, most likely because I wrote about Thomas's delusion in the way that I was doing so on this page, and I think I offended them or at the very least lost their respect. I can see that with my position as writer and admin here on Understanding Schizophrenia, I need to use that position more mindfully than I have been. Expressing my confusion without thinking through, at least a little bit, how I might come across is definitely something I have to work on. My audience is large now (4,989 likes and counting--almost 5,000!!!) and diverse and I need to keep that diversity in mind as I write, at least on the subject matter that I have been writing about for about 2 weeks.

As for your responses to Thomas, I am very excited for him because what I get that you don't is the benefit of seeing him read your comments, gain confidence and even respond to some of you with the heart of gold he has that I know well and love. Ever since his post published I would catch him loitering by my computer and being quiet and I learned that was the cue to fire it up so that he could read your comments. He's already talking about what he might write about next week and I'm encouraging him to talk about his mental health in that post so that there is a window opened into his world where his illness is concerned. I can see by the comments that many of you are depending on his point of view to help you better understand your own loved ones. I know Thomas offered up some advice in the comments section to someone asking how he handles his anxiety because their own loved one is struggling so deeply with their own anxiety. Thomas's answer was sweet and by no means was the holy grail in how to beat anxiety but he wrote his heart and offered what he could. He's an amazing kid, which I knew already, but to see him come out of his shell for an audience of almost 5,000 was something I never thought would happen. I am excited and will do my level best to keep him here and writing because I think his experiences will enable him to offer up a perspective that many of you desperately need from him.

Finally, Thomas's session on Thursday was enlightening though the enlightenment came with a price, the discovery of a darkness much deeper than I thought. Thomas has lived with a core delusion for as long as he can remember and it has cast a shadow over how he lives his life and views himself. Unfortunately this delusion owns a piece of Thomas's essence meaning that he runs his life around this delusion making changes to accommodate it and feeling damaged in the process. The feelings that manifest off of it are anger and the physical feeling of pressure pushing outward from inside of him inside his chest causing him to use (his words) "pure self control" to contain. If ever there was an example of the strength of my boy it is in how he has coped with this delusion throughout his life. There is a lot of work to be done to change this delusion and I think it's going to take a long time. He is adamant about its existence, he is confident in its "ability" to control his behavior and strong in the belief that it has the power to cause him to do a great deal of damage. The beauty in all of this was when Dr. K. asked him how he would feel if that feeling were gone and before Dr. K. could get the whole question out, Thomas jumped on it and said he would be very happy to be rid of it. After years of him wanting desperately to hang onto his delusions for various reasons, the fact that he wants to be rid of this one is a good sign. Hopefully his motivation and resolve stay strong and he can get past this quickly.

Thank you again for all of the love you are showing Thomas. I am very proud of you, my followers, and I feel good about allowing Thomas to open his life to you all. I wait, as do you, for what he writes next.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Most Popular Posts...

Follow my posts by Email:

Follow Me On Twitter