Thursday, October 23, 2014

Why God, Why?

What I am going to write about today isn't something drastic that is happening, it's the same old stuff that I have written about in the past but coming off of that amazing trip to Seattle and seeing Thomas so happy, yesterday just kind of tossed that in the outside trash.

If you go back through my postings over the last year or so you will read the same story. It goes like this: Thomas is really really sick. He gets better. He gets REALLY better. Everyone is happy. Then...then it all falls apart while the good stuff is still fresh in my memory. Well, we're at that place now. Things are falling apart again.

Yesterday was a different day than usual for Thomas and I. For days now I have been here when he wakes up and I have made him a fruit smoothie and then at 12 we have gone for a 2 mile walk. Well, yesterday my sister came to town. Her flight landed at 11:35 which meant I wouldn't be home to make Thomas a smoothie or go for a walk with him. I did set everything up for him, cut him an apple for his breakfast fruit and I left him a note about where I was and that I loved him and that I'd be home in time to take him to work. During the afternoon I texted him and asked him how he was and he said he was okay and we exchanged I love you's. I went about my visit with my sister and then came home at 3:10. What I found when I got home broke my heart.

Out of his room came Thomas with THIS LOOK of fear(?) stress(?) I don't know exactly. He needed a hug really badly and I held him tightly for a long time. I asked him if he was okay and he said,

"No I'm pretty anxious."

I asked him why and he couldn't verbalize why, he just felt it. Then it hit me. I had been gone all afternoon, I had missed our ritual breakfast and walk, I hadn't been in much contact with him. Perhaps that is what affected him? I asked him if his anxiety might be related to that and he said,

"I don't know, it might."

So I left him alone knowing that he had a lot of anxiety and probably didn't need the 3rd degree from me. We went to Dairy Queen and got him his usual meal and as I sat at the window getting ready to pay I pulled out two $5 bills to pay for a $6.36 meal. Not wanting to be given back a bunch of ones I set down one of the fives, put away the other and began digging through my change. You should have seen Thomas squirm and stress as I did this. I picked up on it right away because his "aura" was that of a kid who was FREAKING OUT. So using the 5, 4 quarters and change I sat there with it in my hand waiting to pay. I asked him,

"Are you stressing about the money and how I am choosing to pay for it?"

"Yes," came his reply

"Do you need to see how I'm doing it?"

"Yes I do, please."

So I showed him the 5, the 4 quarters and the change and he was visibly relieved. I asked him if he was still worried and he said,

"I thought you were going to try to pay with just the $5."

Somehow in his mind he believed that I was going to try to get away with paying for only $5 of his meal. I don't even know why he would come to that conclusion but he was obviously very concerned. The window opened, I paid for the meal and we drove out of the lot.

The whole way home he was in his "zone" that he goes to when he's stressed. He stiffens up, stares straight ahead, unmoving and he's hard to engage. I tried joking with him as I pulled in front of oncoming traffic to make the light (in no way putting us in danger) but I lightheartedly said to him,

"I have to get my boy home." And I laughed.

I just wanted him to lighten up a little.

As we got home and then work neared he was stressed to the max. I asked him what his number was and he said he was a 5 out of 10. That's high for Thomas especially lately. I suggested that he take a lorazepam and he jumped right up and got one. It didn't help right away obviously and it was time to go to work.

On the way to work I asked him if it was work that was stressing him out and he said,

"Maybe a little."

I tried to talk him through it as we neared his work but nothing helped. He was gone, lost in a sea of anxiety. He got our of the car for work and as I drove home I asked the above question,

"Why God, why?"

Because in that moment my heart was broken for my boy that he was having to fight the demons of anxiety. I just wished that we were back in Seattle, all smiles, excited about the day, strong even in the face of doing scary things like riding buses or dealing with the homeless begging for money. Instead we are home now, where all of the demons lay in wait for our return.

Why God, why?

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