Monday, October 27, 2014

The Leaves Are Falling, The Season's Here

I took a long walk with Thomas on Saturday. Because I didn't go on the trip to Spokane, which now I'm glad I didn't, I got a chance to spend some quality time with Thomas and to give him a day of calm where I was around him all day. I took the walk as an opportunity to talk to him about what he's been dealing with lately with me being gone most of the day for a few days. The saying, "still waters run deep" was never more true than that day as I began to learn more about what's going on inside Thomas's mind lately.

First we talked about how he'd been feeling about me being gone so much. I asked him if it caused him anxiety and he said, "maybe". Then I asked him what he goes through while I'm gone and he says that he has a lot of energy and he "has to get out of the house", hence the needing to go with me to the places I was going with my sister. This energy thing is so familiar and it has gone by other names in the past, one mainly being that he feels like a caged animal and has to pace. Oh how I remember those times well and here they are again. Except now they're called energy. After talking with him a bit I realized that his "energy" sounds a lot like anxiety and I told him that I felt that was the case. He seemed to accept that. Then we delved further into the why's of him having energy and it turns out that he's afraid something is going to happen to me while I'm out. I asked him to explain it to me a little more and he said that he felt like I might get hurt or I might not come home. Both of these themes were, again, familiar as they had been a feature of his paranoia this time last year. It turns out that he thinks I am going to be kidnapped and that I won't come home to him. from energy to kidnapped I felt like we'd crossed from anxiety territory into a bit of paranoia territory.


It's back.

So I asked him about his old familiar "friends", the ones that watch and follow him and he said that he was feeling that way again.


I asked him then, had those feelings ever gone away and he said that they did for a while. Now, however, they are a 2 out of 10 which is not to bad but it's not a zero out of 10 which is what it was just weeks ago.

I'm not thrilled about this and I'm torn. Do I bring these things up to Dr. N. or Dr. K. (or both)? I'm not even taking his meds but I am just not ready for him to increase his meds. He hates being sedated and I hate him being sedated. On the flip side though, if something isn't tweaked then this stuff is going to get worse. Already at a 2 we are headed up the scale to the danger zone and I just don't want him to suffer in that way.

At any rate there was much more to this walk and our talk that I will share tomorrow but you can see that things are changing for him. In just the past 7 days he has taken his lorazepam three times before work which is a HUGE spike for him. All of these signs that have showed up in front of me lately mean that we are right on schedule for a breakdown. I said Fall/Winter was his time to fall apart and I'm looking outside right now, the leaves are yellow, orange and red and many are on the ground which means Fall is here. I'm bracing myself--yet again--and all I can do is pray that this year things will be better than in years past.

One can hope, right?

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