Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Leaving It In Dr. N.'s Capable Hands

I find myself teary-eyed today and unsure of why. The thing is, yesterday, Thomas was on a major high, all smiles and positive energy and excited about his new plan to save for a gaming laptop. He was my "Seattle guy" again and it was wonderful. Contrasting that, though, is this appointment today with Dr. N. Today means that I tell him about the things that I found out about Thomas on Saturday--thank you all for your encouragement to do so--and I'm



I say that only because, and I have written about this before, I feel like, in a weird way, I am selling Thomas out. I know this is skewed thinking considering the illness he has and how important it is to report symptoms so that they can be caught early and treated but it's the "treated" part of it that gets to me. I hate that treatment means an increase in meds and following that an increase in side effects. It's those side effects that take both Thomas and I down. He's miserable and I am miserable for him...and for myself...only because I HATE seeing him passed out on the couch or bleary-eyed at 7pm and telling me he's going to bed, 3 hours earlier than normal and then not waking up till after noon. I feel solely responsible for those results of my telling the doctor about the things that I learn about what's going on inside Thomas. It's a huge weight to carry especially for a mom whose sole goal for her baby boy years and years ago was to make sure he would always be happy all of his life. A medicated Thomas is not a happy Thomas.

Coupled with what I told you yesterday about what symptoms have emerged, there is also a new one. All of his delusions about the government had gone away (at least that is what he says) and I always wondered what would take it's place, because surely schizophrenia is cooking up something new to take the place of the eradicated delusions. As it turns out what's taken it's place is a mysterious (to us) phenomenon of body possession. It began with me asking Thomas if he ever felt that someone had taken over MY body, like I LOOKED like me but he believed someone else is occupying my body. He was amused by this question, thank God, and told me that had never happened. Then I thought about his past delusion of believing he is reincarnated as a long dead revolutionary, that had disappeared according to him, and I asked him, then, if he felt HE had been taken over by something or someone. He confirmed that had indeed happened a couple of times and I reluctantly, afraid of the answer, asked him if it had ever scared him.

Yes it did.

He couldn't say who or what had taken him over but whoever or whatever it was, it scared him and that is what is important here. I don't want him feeling "possessed" (my word, not his) and even more so I don't want him scared. He doesn't need that. Of course this is a huge red flag and it worries me so I will report it today.

The other thing he's now dealing with again is auditory hallucinations. These are of the more "innocent" type, thank God, but I know the track these take. They start out innocent and turn annoying or nasty and then full-blown psychosis is in place. He says when he was at work a few times and he was "hearing things". What those things are he said he "couldn't describe" and in my efforts to help him I asked them if they were ambient noises like clocks ticking or cars driving by and he said, "kind of", but did not accept that as a description. They were just impossible to describe.


So we all know what that means.

The monsters are coming.

So you see, I have to report this stuff but you also know what follows these sorts of revelations. Bumps up in meds and an increase in side effects. What is the alternative though? The "possession" turns out to be a monster, the sounds turn into scary, nasty voices and sounds, and the fears about me being kidnapped soar to insurmountable proportions where I can't leave him alone at all.

Today we see Dr. N. and today Thomas's life changes yet again. I wish I felt better about this. I wish I could hold on to the thought that I am HELPING him not HURTING him but discerning what is the lesser of the two evils, especially since the symptoms right now are low level (?), is the trick. And so I will leave it all in the capable hands of Dr. N. and await his plan for Thomas.

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