Saturday, October 25, 2014

Held Hostage??

Something has happened in the last few days that I don't know quite what to think about it. I'm not sure exactly what to pin it on so it's mysterious to me and difficult to solve. Let me start with this.

My sister arrived on Wednesday. I am very happy about that. Even happier about it is Thomas. He LOVES his aunt more than anything and he has her on the tallest of pedestals. My sister is one of those big personalities that people are drawn to. She's talkative, compassionate, she dresses beautifully every day and she carries herself as if she is royalty. She is truly beautiful both inside and out and her light shines on us all, especially Thomas.

Prior to her visit Thomas was kind of starting to struggle a little bit. Anxieties were cropping up again and I was worried about where this was leading. Then my sister arrived and I suddenly wasn't around the house with Thomas for 3 days during the day. On Wednesday he had to work and even though I got home in enough time to get him dinner, sit and watch a show with him and get him to work on time, he was riddled with a level 5 anxiety. I had asked him if he felt his anxiety was because I wasn't home and he had said, "maybe". I tied it all to the fact that he had to work that night so I let it go.

Then on Thursday I was once again gone from the house for the better part of the afternoon. I checked in with him by text but I could tell something was wrong. Finally he responded that he was "full of energy" and "needed to get out of the house" and since I was involved in "girl talk" with my sister and my mom, I told him that I wouldn't be home for a couple more hours but I tried to help him troubleshoot things to do to alleviate his energy. Nothing worked and I ended up coming home early.

Then yesterday came along and I was home with him to make him his favorite smoothie and give him a hug (the previous mornings I hadn't been there when he woke up) so I think that helped him a little bit. But then, again, I disappeared over to my mom's house to hang out with my sister. Not long after, I got a text from Thomas and he was asking me if we could go somewhere. I told him that my sister and I were going to look at cosmetics and that I didn't think he'd have any fun with a couple of girls fawning over make up. He reluctantly agreed but I promised him I would take him Halloween candy shopping later. He absolutely BROKE MY HEART because I could tell he was lonely.

The thing is, I have a sneaking suspicion that he wants to be with me because I am with his Aunt who he loves. I think he wants to be a part of everything but the problem is, we are just no fun, not for Thomas anyway.

Now, today, I was invited to go up to Spokane to see my aunt who I haven't seen in years and to do some shopping in the city. It's going to be a wonderful time. Well, it would be, if Thomas didn't work tonight and I didn't need to drive him. I know I could ask Dan to drive him to work but that would entail Thomas waiting in uncertainty for Dan to show up and since he's at work, there would be no guarantee that he would get home at a time that is comfortable enough for Thomas. Leaving Thomas alone all day to worry about getting to work on time and will Dan show up on time or won't he, would be too much for Thomas and I just don't have to heart to put him through that because of the last couple days.

So here I sit, exchanging texts with my mom about what fun they are going to have in Spokane. Without me. I have heard a couple of times in the last few days and I have heard it a lot since Thomas got sick that he holds me hostage. His anxieties and fears make it so that I just don't have the heart to leave him alone. A part of me does feel held hostage to some degree because Thomas's anxiety causes me pain because I want to fix him and so I miss out on doing things in order to be home with him. But am I truly being held hostage? I know Thomas needs to learn to be on his own but every time I try, his world comes to an end and my heart ends up broken.

I guess I am writing this because I want to know what you all think. You have loved ones with schizophrenia and we caregivers are a special population left to alter our lives in some way to accommodate our loved ones. So, the question is, do you think I am being held hostage by Thomas and his anxieties and illness?

2 comments:

  1. Been there done that, Melanie. I don't think you are being held hostage, but rather being a mom who loves her son unconditionally. It's great that he is able to work and hopefully as he matures he'll become more and more independent, though, God knows, schizophrenia is a tough illness. This is my first visit to your blog but it sounds like Thomas is doing pretty well. Hopefully with time he'll feel more sure of things. Kathy

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  2. In a way yes you are being held hostage but there's no one to blame. Feeling sorry for your son held you back from doing something you wanted to do. Either decision would have made you feel a little guilty. You know you have to take care of yourself but once your out trying to "take care of yourself" you don't always enjoy it as your worrying so much. Try to find balance in all of this. Perhaps having done an activity with everyone involved at one point would have balanced things out. It's tough. Take it easy on yourself.

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