Friday, October 03, 2014

Creating A Monster

Yesterday was Thomas's therapy and what I took away most was that Thomas has no sense of purpose. I can't shake that he feels that way because I know what it's like to live a life without purpose. Especially for him, I worry because he has such a nasty illness with an unknown future and meds that take away any desire to do anything. So, I have been mulling things over in my mind about how I can help him to find purpose. It's hard because he doesn't seem to have many interests right now.

Yesterday he stated that all traces of his past delusions are gone. One of these delusions included believing that he was going to become a powerful world leader and exact great change in the world. I suppose that's fine, in theory, but it's his political views and how he wants to go about making those changes that is concerning. But he said he doesn't have those delusions and Dr. K. and I discovered that without them his self esteem is low.

After therapy we had to run some errands so I thought I'd take some time to help him try to sort out how he could have purpose in his life. I brought up his artwork and he immediately stated,

"I'm out of ideas. The last ideas I had were when I was in school."

This said with a tinge of anger.

Then I suggested that he write something, maybe start a blog. He kind of mulled this idea over and then told me that he'd rather write his science fiction stories only,

"I'm out of ideas. The last ideas I had were when I was in school."

This time said with definite anger and frustration. What was he NOT saying in that? My mind immediately thought that the two things that were happening when he was in school was that his illness was running unabated and he was not medicated. Of course he had good ideas then! In a way I felt bad for him. I don't want him off meds and I don't want him sick like that again but if those two things are what make it so that he has a life he enjoys, then what?

Then I brought up his political beliefs. This is where I stepped in quicksand. I told him that if he wants to have purpose and that politics is his "thing" then maybe he ought to do some serious studying on all kinds of politics and see if there is something he is missing and might learn from other ideologies.

I know.

Dangerous ground.

He remembered he had a book I had bought him that was about every form of politics that has ever existed in history and he said that he might read that. I had bought him that book for this very purpose. I wanted him to give his own single-minded beliefs a makeover. He didn't touch the book as far as I knew but perhaps he will now.

Then...then I said the next thing. Bear in mind, it's a tough place to be caught between schizophrenia and a young man being in the prime of his life and needing purpose. I suggested to him that he start writing a blog. I told him that he's always been an amazing writer and that he should dip back into that. I told him that if he studied politics and came up with a more educated perception of it that he should write about it. No sooner was it out of my mouth and I suddenly had visions flash through my head of what that might look like:

Let's say he studies politics. Let's say he broadens his horizons. Let's say that he created a hodge podge of ideologies that are more controversial then what he already thinks. Let's say he DOES start blogging. Then what? Have I just created a monster? What if he fires up a blog, becomes extremist and ultimately ends up sick again or God forbid something worse that I can't name right now but can feel its fingers touching the edges of my consciousness and giving me goosebumps.

What have I done? Now, the chances of him doing this are probably small, the starting the blog thing anyway, but what if he does decide to go ahead and start being more vocal about his beliefs?

I don't know.....

All I know is that I am broken hearted about Thomas feeling like he doesn't have purpose. I hate that what remains entrenched is his (to quote him from yesterday) "strong political beliefs that people don't agree with". How do I give him ideas for cultivating purpose without fueling potential delusions?

I just want him to have purpose so badly. I just want him to feel like he has a place in this world. I just want him to have a reason to exist on this planet.

I don't know. All I know is that I probably stepped on dangerous ground yesterday but in trying to work with what he still finds interesting, I was trying to help jumpstart his life. What do I do? Do I give him kindling to start a fire or breath to blow into an already smoldering one or do I just leave him alone in a world without purpose?

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