Monday, September 08, 2014

What's That Supposed To Mean?

I'll admit that Thomas seems to be doing better lately. It's been beautiful to witness. Something shifted yesterday again, though, and I am worried again. I don't know why it is but those shifts feel like someone sitting down on a couch as if they have jumped into it with their full 200 pound body weight. In fact, that's exactly what it's like because you're just sitting there relaxing and bam! someone rude comes in and disturbs your peace. I think my rude couch mate is schizophrenia. I can't be sure....

Dang it, yes...I can be sure...because I've been at this long enough. It has been over two years of serious illness. I think I've earned my right to be certain that the monster is back. I will say, though, that I know it can be temporary and I hope that is the case now.

Yesterday Thomas woke up a wreck. Well...woke up isn't the right way to put it. He came in to the kitchen, eyes half closed, his aura was one of someone in a bad mood and he was just kind of lost. I hugged him and asked him if he was okay and he told me what I dread to hear a lot of times,

"I didn't sleep last night."

That is never good. Not sleeping is never good for anyone but for someone with schizophrenia it means so much more because it means either something about their illness kept them awake or something bad is about to happen because they didn't sleep well.

So we went through the day with him being tired. Pretty much everything seemed fine except that he was kind of aimless and not in a great mood. I did notice as I took him to work that his depression about work seemed not to be there so that was good but pulling in to the lot, he commented on how crowded it was. This probably would have passed me by a lot more had we not had the ADL the other day and he mentioned how much the crowds trigger him. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Meanwhile at home I waited for "the call" to come pick him up but it never came. Thank God.

At 10 p.m. I went to pick him up and he got in the car and right away something was off. He was distant. I asked him how his night went and he said,

"well........(pause)"

To which I responded,

"were you depressed at work tonight?"

...my usual question for him after work since this whole depression thing started weeks ago.

His response?

"No, it was something different."

Something.

Different.

What could that be? So I asked him if he had been anxious ("no") had he been angry? ("no") Had it been busy? ("off and on") and then I was out of questions and we rode along in silence. My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour trying to figure out just exactly what "something different" meant. So then I asked,

"Was it something good or bad?"

"No......(long pause).....it was something neutral."

Okay, neutral. What could that be? I was stumped. What a strange answer!! Nothing concrete, something more ethereal. He was neutral and he wasn't talking. I ended the whole thing with,

"I'm glad you weren't depressed tonight."

to which he responded,

"yeah"

and I told him that things will be better tomorrow because he probably just needs sleep. Dear God let it just be that he needs sleep. As I lay in bed afterwards I ran through my mind a couple things. Perhaps his running commentary voice is back. It's always been neutral, never critical or mean. Or maybe, since it's the season of crowds now as the holidays fire up (the store is now decked out for Halloween and you know Christmas is on it's way), maybe he's starting the struggle with them again and we are looking at the beginning of the end. The end, of course, meaning a psychotic break.

I don't know. I won't know till he confirms something but something tells me something's not right for him.

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