Thursday, September 18, 2014

Those Goofy, Lopsided Grins

Now, I realize that I have been writing the last couple of days about the sadder, more difficult side of having a loved on with schizophrenia. Those things will never change and they hit me from time to time so I write about them. But then I write about what I'm writing about today. This is the kind of thing that balances the grief because we have to remember it isn't all about just one side of this illness.

Bless Thomas's heart the last couple of days, more so yesterday than the day before, because I keep catching him with a goofy, lopsided grin on his face. He does this from time to time and it's always so beautiful to see but it's been nice, especially lately, with my grief kind of setting up shop. I have talked about these secret smiles of his in the past and mused about what they're about because he never has an explanation for them. I have wondered if he's responding to something (a voice? a hallucination?) inside of him and I have been left every time with questions about that. You know what though? I don't want to seriously question it today, I just want to accept it and hold it close to my heart.

Let me set the stage. Apart from the fact that some of Thomas's patterns have changed yet again like he's spending more time out of his room in the living areas with the rest of the family, he seems to be doing halfway decently. I'm not sure if I have the Cymbalta to thank for that or even the fact that his job has cut his hours to just 10 a week but c'mon, seriously, I'll take it anywhere I can get it. So, yesterday I walked past the kitchen and he was washing his popcorn bowl from the night before. From there he always puts it back into the cupboard in the hallway and when he does that the door to the cupboard blocks my way into the hall. I stood there patiently waiting for him to finish what he was doing and as the cupboard closed I peeked around the side and there he was just standing there smiling that silly smile. Instead of questioning it, I commented,

"You seem happy today!"

To which he seemed a bit unfazed and he just said,

"Yeah."

You see, I don't think he realizes that he's smiling. Just like a lot of things about his emotions, I seem to catch them long before he computes that he feels them or is expressing them and I think that held true for that beautiful smile.

He closed the cupboard door and went about whatever he was doing next. All day, at random times, I caught him smiling. Truth be told, I want so badly to know what the heck is going on in that mind of is that prompts those smiles. The thing is, if it is some sort of hallucination, then I want to be in on the hallucination that makes him smile! There are so many things to be scared about when it comes to the positive symptoms of schizophrenia so any time I can find some joy in those little buggers, I want to be front and center soaking them up.

Alas, I will never know. At least for now if I'm going to accept, and not ask, about the smiles. In the end, does it really matter where they come from though?

He's smiling.

That's enough.

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