Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Who's In The Driver's Seat?

You know how it is when you say things, or in my case write things, and you know what you're talking about but then someone repeats it back to you from their point of view and what you've said takes on a whole new meaning? Well, that happened to me yesterday.

As I said yesterday (I think), I emailed Thomas' therapist. The poor guy got a long email full of my desperation for someone professional to listen to me and take me seriously about the things I see in Thomas. I explained to him everything that had transpired since Saturday and towards the end I talked about how I feel like all of the meds decreases might be the culprit. In it I mentioned that I had not sat in on any meetings with Dr. N. for weeks so I really didn't know what was being said but I did know that Thomas has been requesting decreases because he hates the sedation.

I had said that last few words about Thomas and his meds a few times lately but my context was just different than what Thomas' therapist repeated back to me. His response to me was literally 2 sentences with the most important one being that he "had no idea that Thomas had been in the driver's seat with his meds." Right then and there it hit me. Thomas has been in the driver's seat about his meds. His reasoning for reducing them was that he didn't like the sedation.

Isn't that pretty much the #1 reason why people stop their meds?

So all this time, right under my nose, albeit gradually, Thomas had been choosing to decrease his meds heading I don't know where with his plan. Now, I'm not saying that Thomas even fully realizes what he's been doing by requesting the meds decrease and I obviously agree that it's his body, his life to do with what he pleases but he has run unchecked, in my opinion, for weeks now. My own meds appointments have coincided with his so I haven't been a part of his not to mention, as you know, I have been struggling myself lately so I haven't seen the signs of relapse in Thomas until recently, but in missing those appointments and in missing the signs of a relapse, I have now found my kid in an increasingly unhealthy situation.

Needless to say, today is our meds appointments day and thankfully mine is after his so I will definitely go in and talk with Dr. N.. I'm already prepared to be dismissed and if that's the way it goes then so be it but then in my opinion we'll be waiting two more weeks till the next appointment and I'll be watching as Thomas struggles more and more.

It's not easy being the mom of or caregiver for my son with schizophrenia. I think most of us here that are like me would agree with that. The thing is though, while it's not easy and it is sometimes heartbreaking, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I mean, if this is the plan for Thomas' life and mine as well, handed down from the powers that be, then I will do it with love and understanding until the day I take my last breath. Hopefully today will go well though and together we can come up with a plan to help Thomas feel better.

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