Monday, August 25, 2014

Who Or What Is Taking Him Away From Me?

I often wonder about Thomas and what goes on in that mind of his. When he comes out of his room with his mp3 player and headphones on and just stands at the end of the couch (which is weird) or some other thing about him changes for a day or two after months and years of things being EXACTLY THE SAME WAY only to return to the old way a day or even hours later, I really wonder what is going on in that head of is. I am most plagued by one thing in particular and I have seen it a lot lately and he hasn't been like this for a while but he's been this way again recently.

He's now back to glazing over and checking out of conversations. I don't know what it is but it appears he is responding to something else in his environment including, perhaps, in his head. I wonder about what he "hears" inside of him, what thoughts are going through his head. I watch this drift off into Neverland and I try to make eye contact with him and he's literally like a blank slate. Where is he? What is he thinking?

I liken it to something I watch occur in another family member with D.I.D. (multiple personality disorder) who will often drift away like that before turning into someone else entirely or who will drift away and I'll feel like I'm shouting down a dark hole trying to get their attention.

Now, I'm not saying Thomas has multiple personalities, in fact, I see just one kid in him and that is his usual flat self. What I do see though is someone disappearing somewhere down a similar dark hole and no amount of the usual ways to get his attention works. So what is it? Does he hear voices or sounds that aren't there? Is there another person standing there behind me that isn't really there? Or is he just drifting away, zoning out, bored with what people are saying?

Most recently I watched this happen in Dr. N.'s office. I had the luxury, if you will, of being able to be a casual observer instead of the one a part of the phenomenon. I watched as Thomas went from being engaged in the conversation to just nodding v-e-r-y slowly and his expression glazing over to a flat expression and no response to what Dr. N. was saying. Now, it wasn't like Dr. N. was saying anything that might be above Thomas' head that he might not understand, in fact Thomas had been fully engaged just a minute before and then suddenly,

poof!!

he was gone. The thing is, if you look at him, he is obviously SOMEWHERE...but where?!?!?
In the past I have asked him where he was and he brushes it off or he does rarely admit to something like a voice taking his attention away but since he's been doing better with the new increased clozaril, I have been wondering who or what, if anything, is taking him away from me. He said last night on the drive home from work that he is doing good but can I believe that? I mean, really? Can I?

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