Monday, August 04, 2014

What Thomas Did To Plan His New Life He Dreams Of

Let me first speak to a couple people's answers about me letting Thomas go and do this thing on his own--meaning (at least that's how I heard it) that I am holding him back with my own agenda. Here are Thomas' realities:

--he forgets his meds all the time
--he wants to quit his job which will mean no income
--he has a very very small savings, hardly enough to fund 3 days away from home and hardly enough to fund a new way of life.
--where he goes he will have zero support including finding places to get meds and medical care
--every time in the last 24 hours that he has told me about some opportunity he found, I broaden his vision with the realities of the job he wants to take.
------------------------for example: He wants this job in Alaska where he does housekeeping. HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANT TO BE A HOUSEKEEPER. I told him that he'd be cleaning hotel rooms and his excitement dissipated as he realized there was no way he wanted to clean up other people's messes.
--His dad and I WILL NOT be funding this getaway of his so he's on his own financially
--Yesterday when I handed him the list of websites to check out and made a big deal out of his possibilities with my excitement for him and his future he LITERALLY TOOK THE LIST AND WENT TO HIS ROOM AND SAT DOWN AND WATCHED IDIOTIC YOUTUBE VIDEOS. No researching, no nothing until his frustrated dad went in and reminded him that if he wants what he says he wants he will need to do the research on the websites I gave him.
--He doesn't know how to do laundry, doesn't care to learn and I would put money down as a bet that if he were alone there would be no clean clothes or showering for that matter.
--He doesn't know how to prepare a decent meal

and finally,

--he does not see that he has schizophrenia. He knows that's his "label" but he doesn't grasp what it really means to have this illness which includes the fact that right now, what he's feeling, how he's thinking, what he's doing, is BECAUSE OF his illness.

I could go on but I won't. I think you get the picture. I was really excited for him and did what I could to help him. I set MY fears aside to encourage this "dream" of his. I, in no way, discouraged this endeavor of his.

By the time he left for work he was intensely depressed, he was fighting or flat out ignoring the things I asked him to do that I ALWAYS ask him to do. And in my efforts to help him set goals so that he can move away, he and I made a list titled "How I Can Change My Life" and by about the 3rd reasonable goal I watched as his mood sunk so low, his expression glazed over, he got fidgety, and he stopped helping come up with ideas. I will post the list tomorrow so you can see what we worked on and see that what that list was about was the simplest of things that anybody, with goals like he says he has about moving out, could and should put together to help plan for their future.

I want so much for him and for his future. I WANT HIM TO HAVE THE WORLD!! I would do just about anything to make that possible for him. I AM DONE (AND HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE) CODDLING HIM AND FORCING MY DREAMS AND IDEALS ON HIM. He is 19, it's time for him to grow up and I know that and I see that.

Ultimately though, if yesterday is any indication, he is not going anywhere any time soon and I watch, again, as the light leaves his eyes and his expression as the big wide world he dreams of closes in around him as he learns what it REALLY means to become independent and move away.

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