Wednesday, August 20, 2014

It's Fading. Thank You Clozaril (Who I Used To Hate)

I am getting a late start today writing because I wanted to read through the comments from the last couple of days. I want to say thank you all for your support and for "showing your faces" here so I know that my audience is out there. I am honestly so honored to have gotten the responses and support from you all that I did. It means the world to me. I know that one person's opinion shouldn't shape a person's actions but this person did make me think and while it was easy to brush off her comments, it made me think about the rest of you and how I might be affecting you with what I write. With all of your support now--having read it all over--I am going to forge ahead and keep writing just like I always do. I have only ever had a few sporadic doubts about what I am doing here in the past but they didn't stick around and I chose to believe that this blog is making a difference.

Now, on to the whole entire purpose of my postings. My young man Thomas.

Yesterday was medication day so that entailed a 50 minute drive to see Dr. N. On the way up there Thomas played D.J. with his music and I got an earful as usual. I really do consider his choices in music an indicator of who he feels he is at the time and what he's feeling. Over all the music was fun with only a couple angry ones thrown in. I really have to bite my tongue a lot of times with his music (especially driving back yesterday when the tone changed to screeching, angry music) because, like yesterday, I was a bit stressed and someone screaming anger in my ear does not help my stress level at all.

Anyway, back to our drive up there. I tried to have a talk with him about a few things. He was very moody and closed off. Usually our drives are time for us to talk and for me to see if I can learn anything about how he's feeling but yesterday it was like pulling teeth though in the end I got the best news of all. I managed though, not intentionally, to come up with questions in the middle of his songs and I'd ask them and he'd begrudgingly turn off his music, look out the window and simmer. He did answer my questions though.

I won't drag you through the whole conversation in that 50 minute drive but what I do want to share with you is what has transpired for him and his feelings about work. He told me that his strong feelings of wanting to quit had faded and he felt that he no longer wanted to look for a new job. Ever the "Pollyanna" (this annoying character from a movie---she always looks for the good things in life) I said to him:

"Being at work should be a lot of fun in the coming months because the holiday season is coming and you'll be surrounded by all of the festive decorations." I said, "It's a lot more fun to drive up to a store with giant inflatable Santa's bopping around in the window than it is lawn chairs and BBQ grills."

He smiled and agreed and said he was very much looking forward to the Fall and Winter. He has a real attachment to those seasons and I have only been able to discover that the reason for that is that he likes the cooler weather. I think that it's also because he gets to be a bit of a kid again by handing out candy at Halloween and being the center of attention and tons of presents to open at Christmas.

The take-away from the whole conversation is that I have a new and improved and finally mellowed Thomas on my hands concerning his job. He realizes the value of the flexibility he is afforded at his job and recognizes that most jobs wouldn't allow him to leave in the middle of the shift because of medication side effects or panic attacks.

So I sat back last night and I breathed a sigh of relief and one of confidence that I had been right about the lowering of the clozaril being the culprit for his newfound "depression" and anger about work and his over the top desire to leave home for good. It's such vindication to know that I am recognizing this beast that is schizophrenia and how it manifests in Thomas and while I'm not a doctor, obviously, I do have a handle on what works to keep him stable.

His hatred of work is fading, his desire to leave home is fading and best of all he is mellowing out. Thank you clozaril (who I used to hate). You are my friend now and you are taking good care of my Thomas.

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