Sunday, July 20, 2014

Thomas Is Great, Me, Not So Much

I thought I'd take today to say a couple of things about what is going on with me. Yesterday I ambushed one of my support groups I created to go with this page and told them all how much I hate the world right now. Bless their hearts they told me how strong I am. The truth of the matter is, I don't feel strong at all. Not even a little bit. I think two things are contributing to my problem. One being that on vacation my mom announced that she's moving clear across the country to live near my sister after having lived by me for years and years and who has been my BIGGEST SUPPORT in all that time. I don't know what I will do without her. This has filled me with powerful and confused feelings none of which I seem to be able to keep in check. Dan is feeling beaten down because I am not a pleasant person to be around (his words are: "You are a NIGHTMARE to be around right now") because I am on a hairtrigger with my anger and agitation. I think even Thomas is a little afraid to approach me right now.

Then second, I think the antidepressant I was put on is backfiring on me, as well it should. I have bipolar disorder and the worst thing you can do for someone who is bipolar is to put them on an antidepressant because it actually causes mania in that person. As I've said before my mania's aren't the happy kind, they look exactly like what I am going through now, an inability to handle stress, easily angered, impatient, agitated, unable to sleep etc. etc. etc.

The problem is becoming bigger and bigger as I am now starting to have suicidal and even a little bit of homicidal thoughts. They just pop in my mind like a chipmunk peeking out of his hole to check out his surroundings but they are there and they scare me a great deal. With my current state of mind, if this goes on too long, chances are I will act on them and if history shows me anything, I will more most likely end up harming myself.

With all of the stress in my life anyway, losing my dad and now losing my mom and now thinking my meds are backfiring, I am in a terrible place and I need help. I spend every day a shell trying to act like I'm fine and capable and that I can go on living as if everything is find but that usually lasts about 2 hours after I wake up and then it all goes to crap.

So, since I ambushed my support group I felt like I should clue you all in too. You guys really seem to care about Thomas and even me too and I feel like being candid with you and raw, paints an accurate picture of a family suffering from not just schizophrenia but also bipolar too not to mention intractable grief.

My plan for today is to keep on my proverbial feet mentally and see if I can get through a day without going insane. I have prepared the days postings for you already that will include inspiration and things to think about. I hope you like them.

Have a good day everyone! I will try my level best to do the same.

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