Thursday, July 31, 2014

If I Had A Tiny Wish

I thought to myself yesterday as I drove around town with my husband doing our grocery shopping, about Thomas' moods lately. I try so hard to normalize things that come from him (moods, words, actions) because I don't want to always pin everything on schizophrenia. It's so hard not to do because of the clouds that meander across Thomas' being in my presence. He spends so much of his life in a quiet, stoic place where emotions don't really exist so when those clouds pass by they really stand out.

I spoke up to my husband and I said,

"If I had a wish, not one of the big kinds of wishes you get from a genie asking for world power or millions of dollars but more like a little one, maybe from a birthday candle or something, I wish that I could know what is going through Thomas' mind when he suddenly becomes, what appears to me, angry and he starts answering questions in a clipped fashion,"



I don't know.

All said while staring straight ahead and with "the look" that I have labeled anger. I label it in such a manner because in the past when I have asked him if he is angry and he has confirmed that he is, he was acting just the way he's been acting lately. The thing is, I know his anger response. It pops up when I delicately ask about or challenge a delusion, or when I press him for answers to something big or worldly like how he feels about religion or what happens to someone when they die. It is those questions that have taught me the indicators of his anger and that mood is one, that for some reason, scares me to death mostly because I grew up in a household where anger was freely used and more often than not, pretty scary.

So, because I seem to catch the clouds around Thomas during drives, I drove him to the bank yesterday and tried so hard to get him to talk to me about ANYTHING but every question was met with one of his clipped yes's or no's or I don't knows and with this look on his face like he wants to break something. As per usual, I got no response and we went back to listening to 40's music on the radio. You know? That's the other thing, the 40's music. He has told me in the past that it calms him so I'm acutely aware that when it's on, that there is something inside of him that needs calmed. So with that music and with his seemingly angry mood, I am left in the dark sitting in the car later on with my husband making little birthday candle wishes wanting to understand Thomas better.

That young man is an enigma to me. I spend more time speculating about him than I do actually knowing him because all I ever have to go on to solve the mystery that is Thomas, are his actions, his words, his moods and those damn clipped answers.

So as I drove along with my husband and dreamed of having my little wish come true, I resigned myself to waiting it out and hoping that the clouds around Thomas are just a passing storm and not a threat of something worse like a tornado or rain-created catastrophic flood.

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