Thursday, July 03, 2014

Capturing A Moment In Time

Today will be a busy day. I sit here tired from my walk/run and with a new wave of depression and grief about my dad that has hit me again in the last couple of days after finding an 18 minute video of my family, but most especially it included my dad, at our last Christmas together. I sat and watched mesmerized every movement he made and listened to every word he said and I wished more than anything that that morning the video was taken that I had known this would be his last Christmas. I would have had the camera just on him and I would have talked to him more. My friend Steve told me that I had been given a gift by my dad by finding that video so I feel lucky that I happened upon it.

Also in that video was Thomas opening all of his Christmas presents. This was the Christmas that less than two months before he had been released from his second hospitalization with his brand new diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. He was happy that day, dressed all in solid white--a strange phase he went through that I never understood--and his hair was long and ragged. Seeing him brought back the memories of the months before Christmas and then the really horrible months after it that culminated in his third hospitalization. Pictures and videos catch such moments in time, moments that we will never get back. If I have any words of advice for you from my finding that video, it would be to remind you to take pictures and especially videos. Capture the LIFE of your loved ones because it won't always been like that.

Wow. I'm a real bummer today. Sorry about that.

Well, the plan for the day is to drive the long drive to see Dr. N. and then rush home to our phone appointment with Social Security Disability.gov and then head over to Thomas' regular therapy. It'll be quite a busy day full of doctors and business. I am nervous about the Disability call because I don't know what it is they want from Thomas or I. We're flying blind and I hate that.

What needs to be discussed with Dr. N., though, is Thomas' complete about face concerning his tolerance to his meds. In the last few days he has been having "reactions" to it as if we have increased the dosages of everything. In the mornings he's dizzy, tired, hot but with a cold sweat and at night, like last night, he is in bed at 6:30 sleeping already (his normal bedtime is 10). I'm mystified about why all of this is happening to him. Hopefully Dr. N. has some answers because what is happening to Thomas kind of scares me a little bit. Probably it does because we are about to leave on a 10 day trip with no doctors around and I just don't want anything to go wrong. I already have a bad feeling about this trip so hopefully that feeling is unfounded and everything goes smoothly.

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