Monday, July 21, 2014

After The Battle

As twilight shifts to morning and I wake to see that (thank God) the sun has risen again, I sit down here at my computer to write. This place, the words and stories I share here for you are something I have wanted to do since I was very little sitting in my room with 6 sheets of wide-ruled paper stapled together to form a book that I was writing. I dreamed of writing, of being a writer, my entire life. Now times have changed and I have a state of the art computer and a keyboard on which to write my son's story and my own. I have never stopped being amazed at the support you guys give me and it is you that keeps me going, keeps me sharing mine and Thomas' life.

So today as the sun streams hot into my office room's window reminding me that it's still here and that more importantly I'm still here and doing what I love, I try to put yesterday behind me and start to move forward again. My afternoon turned into an all-out verbal war with my mom yesterday ending with me basically being asked to leave her house. The woman that stood before me yesterday was a stranger I had never met and I was left reeling from the experience. I'm not sure why she became that woman, I'm not sure why I lost the mom that I knew and loved but somehow, in her place, this other woman who looks like my mom but acts like no one I have ever known, now occupies that house and has left me bewildered (at best) and stunned. I am taken by the fact that I have lost my daddy to a sudden, heart-breaking death and as a result my relationship with my mom became so damaged and so changed that it feels like I have lost her too. I see now, after yesterday, that it is now me, Dan and Thomas on our own in this world. The beauty that has come from this whole mess though is that after my postings yesterday, many people reached out to me and offered support and I see now that they are the ones who will become my new support network. The saying goes,

"When one door closes, a window opens."

and that is just what happened yesterday. That proverbial door slammed hard and final but the window I stand at now and look out of shows me ethereal figures waiting out there in the world for me, they are the women who reached out to me yesterday and offered me what I needed the most. I see you all and from the bottom of my heart I thank you all for writing me, for sacrificing your own privacy by offering me your phone numbers and the promise that I can call day or night no matter what. You women are the greatest gift I have received in a VERY long time and I feel very blessed to know you.

It is my hope that this will be my last posting for a while about my own personal struggles because what I deal with outside of Thomas is not what this blog is about, at least it wasn't my intention to begin with. I have been struck, though, by what settles into the cracks and holes left after a schizophrenia cycle. It isn't always light that does and I am learning that what's left afterwards is a battlefield that needs to be sorted out. You bring back the injured and the dying, you bury the ones who didn't make it through the battle and you collect the weapons of war to be put away for the next battle that will inevitably come our way. It's not a pretty picture because your world changes, you meet new people and you (painfully) lose others and you're left to examine your dirty clothes, your tattered shirt, your tousled hair and you dust off and start forward again. Sadly for me, I lost not only pieces of myself, and I am brought to the brink of death too but I am here, still, counting on each new bright sunny day to remind me that I have a second change to start over.

So please, forgive my solemn post today but I needed to write this today. The darkness I feel right now still envelopes me but I see my doctor tomorrow and I pray she has the answers I so desperately need. I will let you know (probably Wednesday) how that all went and what the end result was. I was just a stone's throw from hospitalizing myself last night so I'm hoping she will have something to offer me to keep me home with my family where I am loved. As many of you know, being warehoused on the 5th floor of a psych ward for 4 days with indifferent attendants and no therapy and a filthy sitting room with no coffee to drink and no one to talk to, is not the place I need to be.

I love you all. I love you for being here. I love you for the support you have given me the last couple of days and the support you have given Thomas and I when he was struggling. You are amazing AMAZING people and I am truly blessed to have you all here with me.

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