It appears that I have reached rock bottom. There are insurmountable issues in my family which are killing me right now and Thomas' delusions are back not to mention we have to go on a vacation soon with my whole extended family, few of which are getting along with each other, me included, and then the whole point of that vacation is to spread my dad's ashes which has become increasingly difficult for me to make peace with as the time to do it comes closer. I am in the worst place I have ever been in my life and I am scared about what's next for me. I actually feel like I could die from all of the pain--I don't mean kill myself, just die...of perhaps a broken heart? I don't know but I am in a terrible place. Last night my husband Dan suggested I go to a psychiatric facility "for a rest" and that was like a knife to my heart. Is that was all of this has come to? Do I belong somewhere locked away from the world? And for what exactly? I told my husband that I could go away but that it's all going to be here when I get back. I learned that from going to Vegas recently. I had so much fun but I got on the plane to come home and immediately burst into tears because I knew I was going back to the place where my dad is still dead and my son is still sick. The bright lights and big city did little, in the end, to change anything. So going away now seems completely pointless.
Here's the thing though and I asked the question above, what happens when the caregiver needs care? Poor Thomas, like my sweet boy has always done, is feeling every bit of my emotions and is suffering too. I have had two talks with him explaining a little about what's going on and trying to reassure him that none of it is his fault and that things will be okay in time but he seems unconvinced. I told him the other day that I missed him and I thought that was because he is always in his room on his computer but it hit me yesterday that I have been gone too. I haven't left my house on my own for a couple weeks or more. I sit and stream TV and movies and curl up in a ball in sweats. I barely speak to anyone including Thomas. It's me who's been gone, not him.
What makes me sad is that I am so mired down in my grief over the loss of my dad and my anger at one of my family members and depression because my life is missing whatever it is that usually keeps me going that I am missing the signs or not staying on my watch over Thomas and he is ever-so-slowly going back to the bad place and I haven't the energy to fix it mostly because I don't know how and because I don't know how, I feel depressed. I am Thomas' caregiver and I need to get my <bleep> together pretty soon or I am going to lose him again.
So, again, I am brought back to the question, what happens when the caregiver needs care? I have no idea. Maybe when I'm back on my feet I can figure this out so that I can share it all with you. My going away somewhere isn't the answer, I can tell you that. That would mean leaving Thomas alone again and that didn't go very well when I went to Vegas. I suppose I could get therapy but I kind of wonder "what would be the point?" Nobody can change my situation but me. I mean, I think that's true. The trick is finding the answers that are going to help me change. I have to say that right now, I have no clue whatsoever what those answers might be.
With all of that said, what do YOU do when you're in a dark place and feel like there's no way out?