Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Silence Is Deafening

Thomas had another "good" night at work last night despite a rough beginning. His depression about working has come back in full force which really puzzles me. I wish he'd talk to me about why that's happening. I know that he's known to be a kid who doesn't talk much but this depression plagues me. It occurred to me the other day that what it feels like to me is junior high. I always knew something was going on at school but he would insist everything was fine except that his mood was depressed or just off, his grades were pretty bad and he seemed to me to be a bit of a loner. It was only last year that I found out that all that time that he was struggling in junior high was because he was being bullied and because his schizophrenia symptoms were getting worse. So I think to myself now, what's the real deal behind his depression about work?

The other thing that's troubling is that he's pretty much stopped talking to me. I'm painfully aware of how much we don't talk anymore. It's not that I don't try because it hurts my heart to spend hours around him or car rides places and nothing is said unless I initiate the conversation and even then he's very short with me answering with one word answers most times. I finally said to him last night, "I miss you, you don't talk to me much anymore." to which he answered, "I don't have anything to say."

Oh.

(broken heart)

I'm trying to decide if I should just leave him alone completely for a few days and see what happens or if I should keep trying even though it's like trying to get blood from a stone. Besides not speaking to me anymore, he has also changed a few habits during his day. He spends a great deal less time in his room and he has gotten attached to the World Cup games. This kid hasn't watched TV in ages (except at dinner) and he's definitely never been interested in sports. I sit down with him from time to time and ask him about the game and what I get in return is, "I'm not a sports person, I don't know."

Okay...

But (I think to myself) you've watched 4 or 5 of these games now and you know nothing at all?? So I leave him to watch his games and I find something else to do. I don't know. I'm mystified. I feel a "disturbance in the force" as I like to call it but I don't know what it is. It's so hard not to take personally because it's not like he isn't showing emotion across the board. He cheers for his favorite team in the World Cup and I catch him laughing at shows we watch but when it comes to talking to me I get nothing.

He does have therapy today so I'm kind of perplexed what I should say to his therapist when it comes my time to "give an update on Thomas." So...what? Say something about how he's not talking to me anymore? What would that indicate exactly? And if I say anything to his therapist I can bet good money that he's going to say to him what he said to me last night and that is that he has nothing to say.

So, again I find myself sitting here writing the words "I don't know..." because yet again I find myself in perplexing territory with Thomas. I guess what I'm going to do today in session is wing it and see what happens. All I know is that with what is going on between Thomas and I, the silence is deafening and I miss my boy.

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