The story of the Langoliers is written by Stephen King. It is about these monsters that follow these people on a flight across the country eating up time. (From Wikipedia) "Upon arrival, the airport is abandoned with no signs of life. Everything seems gloomy; there are no odors, electricity, or echoes anywhere. The weather patterns are motionless, there are rapid shifts from day to night, food and drinks are tasteless, and matches simply sputter out. One by one, beginning with sharp-eared Dinah, they soon hear a "radio static" like sound in the distance. The sound appears to be threatening and dangerous and the group eventually reaches a consensus that they must leave before it arrives. Craig believes it to be "the Langoliers", monsters he was afraid of as a child, who go after those who are lazy and waste time."
Now, I take from this movie two things to illustrate my post today. First is the description of the airport and how quiet things are. This to me represents Thomas' stability. Then the passengers hear static, which in my memory from when I watched the movie sounded like a munching and crunching sound coming from behind them on their flight, illustrates my next point. It is a terrifying thought that something is after them and a terrifying depiction in the movie. For me when I watched it, the notion of something unknown thundering up behind me scared me to death. Indeed what was chasing them were the Langoliers and the unknown of them was scary.
The Langoliers in my story today are what's creeping up on Thomas' stability. I am hearing them in the distance coming for Thomas and for me as his mom and caregiver and I am scared to death. Here's why:
I sat and watched a history show with Thomas in the last couple of days. There has always been one time in history that Thomas identified with and leaders of that era that he identified with. When he recorded the shows I had mixed feelings about it because I knew his past and I thought the shows might be a trigger for him. I watched him watch the first hour or so and he seemed okay. Then, like I said yesterday, I discovered that these shows were my "back door" that I needed to get into his mind and learn what he's thinking. I laughed nervously inside myself as I brought up my first question to him about what he's thinking. I thought to myself--more like hoped-- that what I was suspecting really wasn't true. I thought to myself that he has been stable for a while, that his paranoia is gone but I have been worried about when he might become sick again. So I asked him about the show and the world leaders and I asked him about how he felt about all of it in relation to him. Then the munching and crunching of the Langoliers overtook us and suddenly I found us consumed in his delusional mind.
Oh God. Please. No!
There he sat before me talking about this and my heart was in my throat and I could barely swallow. I asked myself why I had let him watch these shows. I asked myself if he had ever really been "stable" and I came to the realization that we had gotten our few weeks but that was it and here we are again. I can barely type this because I am looking back over a year of my writing this blog and the rollercoaster we have been on for that year (and the ones before it) has not actually stopped after all, we have just rolled into the station to change passengers and now the lap bars are coming down and the clicking chain that pulls us up the hill is in motion.
These delusions, my illustrative Langoliers, are nasty beasts that merely lay dormant in my son's mind. Our otherwise quiet "airport" has become a frightening place as I have come to realize that the munching and crunching I hear are the sounds of the delusions coming to consume us and it's too late to run now.