Sunday, June 01, 2014

Stability Is A Funny Thing

You all were amazing yesterday with your responses to my "Jury Duty" post. Most of all I appreciated the support and the ability to relate. I want Thomas to have a normal life too someday and be able to do things like jury duty but right now, even though he's the most stable he's been in years, jury duty is not the thing for him. In a way I look forward to the next summons to be able to use it as a marker for how he's doing then and how he's doing now. Hopefully he'll be even more stable and will be able to do it. That is my hope but I'm not sure it will ever come to pass. Someone mentioned that they just plain think differently and felt that because of that they wouldn't be an objective, fair juror. For as long as I've had Thomas he has always thought differently. As a child it was cute, as a young teen it was annoying but as an adult now I see that it's just plain detrimental to relationships and places that don't know or understand him. Someone said that this illness is a heinous illness and I wholeheartedly agree. It is unfair and robs so many of us of life experiences.

Let's take last night for an example. Thomas had to work and again he was angry. I watched him on the way to work and he just stared straight ahead, his jaw set and he spoke only when I asked him a question which I tried not to do because I wanted to give him his space. When he got out of the car I told him that I would see him at 10 and that I hoped he would have a good evening in spite of how he felt. Sullenly he got out of the car and said "he'd try to." I feel so bad for him having to be wrapped up in such intense anger. I wish he would let me inside and tell me what's going on. Is it really that he's bored? Is it really that he feels he has no purpose? I can only take him at his word right now and pray that it's only those two things that are plaguing him.

When I picked him up from work I found him standing alone in the dark parking lot. There was something so lonely about that picture. The store had closed early and everyone had left and no one waited with him for me to show which they have done in the past. To me, this is an indicator of a problem between his co-workers and him. There have been so many shifts in his opinions of work over the months. First he wanted a job really bad and couldn't get one. Then he got a job and was so happy and wanted more hours. Then he got sick and couldn't work much at all. Then he began to get stable and he was again excited about work and with a few hiccups here and there he was staying at his shifts and not calling in sick. Then during my trip to Vegas it all took a turn into this anger issue of his and it's now been that way 2 weeks. It feels so much like a rollercoaster to me.

Anyway, when he got in the car, I asked him how his night went. He said he spent most of his shift depressed. That was a shift out of the anger which I think (?) is good but then having him depressed doesn't feel good to me. The last time he was in a sustained depression he ended up suicidal. I asked him his "number" (between 1 and 10, 1 being not at all, 10 being the worst he's ever felt) and he said his depression was a 5. That's high. For Thomas that's high and concerns me a great deal. Here's why I'm worried for the next week though. If it's depression he's dealing with at work and leading up to work, next week starting tonight he works 5 days, 5 hours a shift. Today, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. If he's depressed at work then he's going to have a very long week where depression is concerned. All I can do is watch and wait. The "5" scares me but I don't know what I can do about it except keep track of it and report any changes to his therapist.

You know? "Stability" is a funny thing. I'm not sure he's ever going to be literally stable. I think a set of symptoms (like his paranoia and delusions) will become stable but in their place will come yet another set of symptoms to be concerned about. I was so excited when the paranoia went away and I thought we were out of the woods for a while but now that excitement is tempered with this new anger and depression issue. I guess all we can do is put on our boots and keep marching forward.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Most Popular Posts...

Follow my posts by Email:

Follow Me On Twitter