After talking a while, she mentioned Latuda as an option for me. She told me that she had already had a huge success rate with it in others with bipolar depression. She had one patient who had bought a gun and was planning on killing himself soon and she had asked him to wait and give Latuda a try and it had worked. Here's the thing though. Like all antipsychotics, one of the biggest side effects is weight gain. I already weigh a lot. I'm 50 pounds over my ideal weight and I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. So adding Latuda and 30 pounds just doesn't sound like an attractive option. Then again, it has been successful for so many others.
The biggest success I have witnessed with my own eyes has been Thomas. While Latuda has been added to his repertoire to help symptoms of schizophrenia, it has still been a successful trial. Even knowing that, I'm not keen on taking it myself.
So what's with the double standard here? As someone who has a say in Thomas' meds, I was easily willing to have Thomas try it. I was desperate to get him out of the paranoid/delusional/anxiety hole he was in and I encouraged him to take it but why am I citing weight gain as enough of a reason for me to NOT take it when I find myself in a comparable hole edging toward suicide? It's a bit aggravating to be so shallow about myself that I'd risk my own life (if this depression goes on too much longer) to not take a medication that has great promise. Would I play this same roulette with my flesh and blood, my boy?? As you well know, there's not a chance that I would. He is my life and I would do anything to make him happy. So why, then, do I not see that I deserve the same respect and (self) love that he does?
I don't know. I don't know but I better know something here pretty soon because I find myself in increasingly dark places in my head as the days and weeks wear on. So, we shall see what I ultimately decide for myself. I see my psychiatrist on the 24th and I could agree to the Latuda then. Truthfully, in a small way, I am like Thomas in that I have reached a point where I'm not thinking totally rationally and the decisions I am making for myself aren't the smartest ones available.
I am curious though. Will Latuda be the great success for me that it has been for Thomas? I have always stated how great Risperdal is for me, that it's my miracle drug, but Thomas couldn't even take a half of a milligram without becoming violently ill so who's to say I'll enjoy the same success on the Latuda that he does?
I have a lot to consider and I had better make a decision soon. I am no good to Thomas if I am not a fully functioning caregiver.