Monday, June 09, 2014

I Miss You Too Mom

 
Along with the other changes that have been happening in Thomas lately one has been that he and I aren't talking anymore. Well, he's not talking. I'm doing everything in my power to come up with things to say and to ask him and most of them are met with one word answers or nothing at all. I don't know if this is a function of his new (old...usual...never really went away) delusions and depression and isolation but it is making me sad. I am watching, again, as he disappears from me and I wonder what is going on inside that head of his. I wonder, too, if watching those history shows somehow made things worse. Well, worse in my opinion.

You see, he has always said he finds comfort and an inflated sense of self esteem when his delusions have been around so I'm certain he would argue that they aren't getting worse. He would probably say he is glad they are back. I'll never really understand that. Not really. I mean, I guess if I had something I believed to be true about myself and someone was always telling me I was sick and needed medication then I would be mad, depressed, and not talking too. What do they know about me after all?? While I haven't said much to Thomas about his revived delusions, when I did ask him if they were back he was quick to downplay them to me and I just let it go.

The question is, and you probably think I'm crazy for still mulling this around in my head, but should I tell his therapist or Dr. N. about this? Something is stopping me and I think I can kind of put my finger on it.

I want him happy.

I hate when he's depressed and angry and I think if the delusions are making him happy, even a little bit, then I don't want to take them away from him. Am I crazy? I guess where the problem lies is when the delusions couple up with paranoia and hallucinations and it's a fine line between just being delusional and all hell breaking loose. I'm kind of taking a watch and wait approach (wait, have I been here before? This seems familiar) and I'll see how things go in the next week or so. Someone here on the blog mentioned to me that it could be stress from all of the work he is doing that is causing this and they may be right but if he is medicated more, he's going to be so sedated and flat. I don't want that for him and I am waiting for him to one day reach his threshold and tell me he's not taking the meds anymore because of the side effects.

At any rate, we aren't talking and I hate that. I feel like an incompetent mom because I can't find things to talk to my son about. To be fair, I ask him about what he watches on YouTube and if it's funny or interesting or I ask him about the games he plays and if he is winning or I ask him about work. It's not like I'm not trying here.

So, this is what it's come to. I know he's probably headed to the bad place, he's not talking, he's isolating and I miss him like crazy. I went to him last night at bedtime and I hugged him so tightly and I just simply said to him,

"I miss you kiddo."

What I got back?

"I miss you too mom."

We are two ships passing in the night and right now we can't seem to find each other.

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