Well...I did what I hate doing and what I don't really want to do. Last night after Thomas went to work I turned on his computer and looked around. I have to say, it wasn't as scary as in the past but there were a few things that concern me. I hated every moment of this violation of his privacy but I had to know things since he's changing again.
I wish, in a way, I could talk here about the details of what I found but for some reason, I don't feel right talking about the content of his delusions. They scare me and I can imagine that they might scare some of you. Either that or you will be able to identify completely with what Thomas deals with. I can say, though, that just like before the stability and just like most of his early teens and now right now, his delusions are government related. It makes me so sad to write that as I know what is behind the statement that they are government related.
Last night I sat slumped in the seat of the car as my husband and I went to buy dinner. I felt so defeated and so full of questions.
How did this happen to Thomas?
Why does he choose the particular subject that he does for his delusions?
Will the medications ever really touch what I consider to be his most serious symptom of schizophrenia?
Why can't he be more "normal"?
What can I do to help?
Is this how his life is going to be forever?
On top of the questions, I stated what I think to be true and that is that meds will always have a chance at taking away his paranoia and hallucinations and for just moments, his delusions. However, they will work longest on the hallucinations/paranoia but I think those damn delusions are so fixed (just like every doctor I've ever talked to said) and they will be dampened down for a while but somehow, for reasons I'll never understand, they will find their way around the chemical restraints and flourish again. Do you know how much I hate those delusions?
I think what it is and I explained this to my husband Dan last night, Thomas' delusions make him happy. They give him a euphoria of sorts. Their (sinister--to me) presence increases Thomas' self-esteem and have the potential to turn him into someone I don't even recognize. In essence he loves having them and doesn't want to get rid of them. I liken it to one of us without schizophrenia being told that we need to take away one of our favorite hobbies that keep us grounded or a personality trait that everyone loves about you. Only Thomas' "hobby" and personality trait are, in the end, maladaptive and threatening to his future and to his mental health. I sat there in that car feeling hopeless as I talked about all of this.
WHY THOMAS??? WHY HIM? HE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS! WILL HE EVER BE "NORMAL"??
I already know the answer to that and I find myself, yet again, attempting to make peace with all of it. It's not easy, in fact it's nearly impossible, but I guess I'm never going to stop trying because what is in my son's brain, what is gnawing away at it and leaving holes, what is twisting otherwise normal thoughts, is a SERIOUS mental illness and it's chronic and apparently in Thomas case, never going to be totally stable, not for long anyway.
I was told once by my dad that life wasn't going to be easy for me. He said that my life was going to be harder than most. He didn't know why exactly but he just knew it to be true. At the time I was just a young woman and I had made a few mistakes, gone down paths I never should have and had been hurt too many times to count. Now, though, I see what he was saying. My baby, my heart and soul, is sick and will need my help forever and being there for him in the hard times will be the most difficult times of my life.
I love you Thomas. I will never stop fighting for you.