Friday, June 13, 2014

Friday Wrap Up

I felt it was appropriate to spend this post wrapping up a busy and emotionally difficult week. A lot happened and I have a little bit to update you on and some words for those of you who stepped up for me and Thomas this week.

The week started with my sadness about how Thomas and I seemed to be missing each other. I've learned now that part of it has been that I have been gone, caught up in my own depression. I also know it's because he's been disappearing too back into a delusional world. It saddens me that he and I both are going down the roads that we are and in some ways are alone in our journey when what we need is each other. That's not to say that I haven't been here for him but I think there was more I could have done had I not been caught up in my own pain. My problems that I deal with are "adult" problems and do not belong cluttering up Thomas' mind but I found that sitting down with Thomas and giving him a birds eye view (information but not the details) of what was going on helped him. I struggled to find a place where both he and I could be happy and finally found it on Wednesday and solved a big problem leaving he and I both satisfied with the outcome. I will write more about that in another post.

Then on Tuesday I offered support to you guys in exchange for all of the kindness you extend to me on a daily basis. What came of that and made me happy is that I got 3 or 4 new people into my support groups which is good because now they have a safe place to speak their mind without judgment. I know I have been in them and have admitted to things and shared other aspects of my life and the people in there have been amazing to me. Beyond that, I have witnessed their kindness and understanding towards each other and that makes my heart happy. So thank you to those of you who reached out and asked for help. It was a courageous thing to do and my deepest hope is that you will find solace in the groups.

Wednesday I talked about whether or not something is delusion or reality based. You all offered up some great thoughts on this and gave me a lot to think about where Thomas and his renewed delusion are concerned. As an update to that I wanted to share what happened yesterday in therapy for Thomas. I had previously promised that I wouldn't tell his doctors what was happening but I went out on a limb on our drive to therapy and asked Thomas if he felt it was a good idea to tell his therapist about the growing delusions. Surprisingly he said he wanted to talk about it. I was thrilled! I got to keep my promise to him about not saying anything but I still managed to get him to end up talking to someone about them. What I learned yesterday was that they are much worse than I thought. I knew he had been holding back from me. When I had asked him to rate the believablity of his delusion he rated it a 20% (100% being he absolutely believed it). That all changed in therapy yesterday when he admitted is was now at 50% and had been as high at 70% in the last couple of days. I had been right, there was something more going on and I realize now, though it obviously took a knock upside my head to see it, that things are worse than I thought. So we talked about triggers and just as I had expected, the History Channel specials on the world wars and D-Day that we had been watching together were major triggers for him. We are currently deciding, he and I, if it's wise for him to finish the series up.

Also on Wednesday I asked for your input on my article I had submitted to a web site in an effort to be considered as a guest blogger. I felt the editor had been harsh on me so I wanted to run it by you guys to see what you thought. You gave me new perspectives and a lot to think about it and in the end I decided to completely change the subject of my story and try something new. I was mindful of making sure it had a real beginning, context and an ending with a lesson. I would post it here but the requirement for getting it submitted on this other website is that it can't be published anywhere else on the web. So it is my greatest hope that it will get approved at some point and I'll be able to give you an actual link to it for you to go and see it. I have dreamed since I was probably about 8 years old about becoming a writer and I now have it within reach and it's getting harder and harder for me to hold back from wanting to contribute to as many forums as I can.

Yesterday I talked about my struggles lately and the deep depression I have found myself in. I pondered what happens when the caregiver needs care. I feel like that post was an unfinished thought because in a way I feel like it needs to be explored further and with a wider net cast to include more of you in the consideration of what can be done. Hopefully down the road I'll cover that. What was the most touching to me was all of your offers of support and even better for me and for probably all of us was that so many of you shared similar feelings and experiences to mine. I was so grateful for that because it helped me but more exciting for me is that it made the post richer because you guys were able to read each other's stories and know that none of us are alone in our struggles. You made my blog an amazing place that day and I can't thank you enough.

As for today, I just want to write a little bit about what I'm now seeing in Thomas over the last couple of days. For reasons he's not revealing, he has abandoned his computer for his ancient handheld video games and spends a lot of time plugged into his mp3 player. I have also found him escaping the house to the front porch (never a good sign in the past) and he's also hanging around me more. For some reason last night as I was leaving on my evening dog walk I looked at him sitting on the couch and I just knew something was wrong with him. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was in a very unconvincing way. I stopped and put my hand on his head and then rubbed his back and I said, "Are you sure you're okay?" Again, he said he was so I left for my walk. My mom instincts are in overdrive now and I know something is wrong. Like in the past, I have picked up on his distress long before he's been able to put words to how he is feeling. With the delusions back, the heavy work load, and a change in behavior, I plan I keeping a close eye on him for the next few days. Something is not right and I want to catch it before we reach a point of no return.

In closing I want to wish you all a good weekend. Whatever you are dealing with I hope you find some peace in between it. I'm going to make an effort to do that myself. Thank you everyone. You are the best!!

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