Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Medication Increase With Little Change As A Result.

If you missed my post yesterday it's because I didn't write one. I told you months ago that I live with bipolar disorder and at the time let you guys know that as a result of that you might see some manic behavior out of me which would have translated to my writing. Well now, true to the form of my version of this illness, I am clinically depressed now. I do this in summer which is a real bummer since this is the season to want to be out and about enjoying the great weather. I, on the other hand, end up sitting here in front of my blog just staring at it unable to get my brain to form any coherent thoughts so instead I find myself sitting in my chair streaming Netflix and not moving. Unfortunately for all of you, my blog suffers as a result which I need to get a handle on ASAP.

What's most important here is Thomas and how he has been doing. I didn't mention last week but Dr. N. increased his buspar dose in an effort to help his depression and it did seem to work for a couple of days. I was surprised when Dr. N. said it had anti-depressant qualities too it since I have only ever heard that it's for anxiety but Thomas chose to give it a try and so he did.

Yesterday, though, he woke up quite depressed. He said he had a rough night and couldn't sleep much. I felt so bad for him. Since I'm depressed I know exactly what he's feeling so I wished he didn't have to deal with it. His day did seem to pick up though and by work time he was ready to go. I was thankful for that because I didn't want his to be the stifling kind like mine that likes to stick around even in the face of pleasurable activities. I am curious to see how he wakes up today though. He's been in and out of depression for over a week so I'm watching it and hoping it's just kind of a funk that will lift soon.

As for his delusions, I can just tell with my mom radar that they are still around. I'm at a loss as to how to help them. They have been the most insidious facet of this illness for him and I'm starting to believe the doctors in Thomas' past who said they will never go away. I guess I'll just have to get used to them eventually and accept them as a permanent part of who Thomas is. I really hate bowing down to this illness but I'm afraid it may have won this round. Frankly, right now, I don't have the energy to fight it anyway. It's a miracle that I'm even showering right now which by the way, I now totally understand why Thomas doesn't shower. When it hurts to move, when your brain feels like it's filled with mud, when you would rather watch TV (Or be on the computer like he does), showering is just not at the top of the list of things to do. Really, it isn't on the list of things to do at all.

So, I'm here guys and I'm trying. One of the things I have hated the most about my writing on this blog is when I have to drag you through my flavor of mental illness that I suffer from. The fact that I am bipolar and currently depressed is not pertinent to Thomas' story and his schizophrenia so I really ought to try and keep it out of here. There are so many of you, though, that know me now, that have been through so much with me (like my dad's death for example) so I know you will make allowances for this kind of thing.

I am working to claw my way out of this pit so bear with me a little bit until I find sunlight. In the meantime, I will be here as often as possible keeping you up to date about Thomas.

Thank you everyone...for your compassion.

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