Saturday, May 10, 2014

The Plan

Thursday was "doctor day" so we made our long journey up to see Dr. N.. I talked with Thomas on the way up there about mentioning his "bored" and "trapped" feelings along with the depression that came with it. I told him that I felt that Dr. N. wasn't going to give him any medications for it since it seemed transient but maybe he would have some advice for him.

Thomas spent his time in there alone with Dr. N. and then I was called in. Thomas hadn't mentioned those feelings so I brought them up. I told Dr. N. how they usually come around when he's depressed but I told him that I felt that this depression was due to my leaving for Vegas. I turned to Thomas, looked him straight in the eyes and said something. I held Thomas' gaze but spoke to Dr. N.,

"What Thomas forgets is that he does practically everything by himself every day of his life. He does a very good job of taking care of himself. He has so many worries but every one of them is unfounded because he has become very strong and capable since he became stable."

I smiled at Thomas and looked back at Dr. N.. He agreed with me and we talked a little about how good he's been doing lately. So good in fact, Dr. N. is thinking of removing the clozaril altogether. He felt that it might be best to wait until after I got back but he felt it was time. I was immediately concerned because it is my belief that the Latuda and clozaril together are what is helping Thomas be stable. Dr. N. agreed that might be the case but he thought we should give it a try. So, we left with instructions on how to titrate down on the clozaril once I got back from Vegas. I guess we won't know until we try.

Next we drove back to town and met with Thomas' therapist. Thomas and I together told the same story about his feelings and his therapist came up with this idea. The plan for Friday and today was to just tell Thomas, "you're on your own" every time he asked for something during the day on those two days. He asked me if I was ok with going along with that and I told him I had no problem with that since Thomas pretty much does everything for himself anyway.

So, as a result, yesterday was an interesting day. What I was met with from Thomas for a good part of the day was complete and utter silence. He said nothing to me. I felt a little sad about this but figured he was taking the plan maybe a little too seriously and wasn't going to speak to me at all in order to avoid the "you're on your own" response. I watched with they eyes in the back of my head as Thomas prepared his entire breakfast complete with all of the elements I always insist he eat like some sort of protein and a fruit and then whatever else he wants as far as cereal or toaster pastry. He did beautifully and disappeared into his room only to re-emerge for a snack later on in the day.

Finally I guess he couldn't take it anymore and he came out of his room and just stood and looked at me. I looked up and he said,

"Can I have a hug?"

I laughed and said of course he could but secretly inside I was so happy because he was finally speaking to me again. Then I said to him,

"I thought you weren't going to talk to me at all today!"

He didn't answer me but I got my hug and I think that helped us both feel better.

So, today will be day 2 of "you're on your own." I think Thomas now realizes he'll be fine in terms of taking care of himself. What the hug told me though was that he still needs me for comfort and reassurance and he's probably going to have a rough time while I'm gone because I won't be here for those random hugs he needs during the day. It is this sort of thing that breaks my heart and worries me for him. I was and am confident that he can take care of himself but I'm not so sure he can avoid the loneliness that he'll inevitably feel once I'm gone.

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