Wednesday, May 07, 2014

His Old Familiar Friends

I have had something that I have wanted to tell you all but for some reason I've been keeping it a secret. I knew you would be happy for me and excited and I think I wanted to find just the right time to tell you. Something has come up concerning it though so telling you now just doesn't seem like as much fun. Under the circumstances though I will tell you now.


Pretty cool huh? I'm getting out and away from everything in my life and going somewhere fun and exciting and free from any stress. My mom invited my sister and I to go and we couldn't pass it up and ever since she has planned the trip we have all been so excited. Then, slowly, things around here started changing.

I told Thomas that we were leaving for 4 days and I figured he'd be fine since his dad would be home for the nights and his days are usually filled with him sitting in his room on his computer with only a few forays out of his room to get a snack or use the bathroom. We don't really speak much during the day which has been okay with the both of us, I think. I don't worry too much about our lack of interaction because when I do see him he's fine. By dinner time he is out with the family eating dinner and carrying on conversations. Something changed in the last couple days, though, that I tried, as usual, to ignore. I tried to see the good things and ignore what I saw creeping up in Thomas.

It began 2 days ago with him emerging from his room and him saying,

"I'm bored. I don't know what to do so I guess I'll start drawing."

All I heard was the screaming "I'm bored" but tried to focus on the fact that he was finally going to start drawing. I found him twice laying on his bed with his drawing book open and his instruction book beside it but he was just sitting there doing nothing. In a desperate need to ignore that he had said the "b" word, I let it all go. You see, in the past, when "I'm bored" comes out of his mouth there is nothing good about it. His "bored" isn't like a normal bored that we all feel sometimes. His "bored" is all wrapped up in a lot of other things that he's not telling me. I took note of it all but thought to myself that he's just having a bad day and I tried to let it go.

Then yesterday he woke up and he just looked off. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was so I left it. I've been trying, since he's been stabilized, to not worry about things, to give him his space and more responsibility. I've been trying but it's been hard especially after what went on during the day yesterday.

I was sitting in the living room and suddenly from his room came blasting (what I call) devil music. It's basically not music at all but rather men (singers??) screaming in low, guttural voices about angry things and hatred at the world. I hadn't heard music from his room in ages and when I've been with him in the car he's played some pretty decent stuff. This devil music, though, was a change and it worried me. I went in and checked on him and he was sitting at his computer with an art project up on his screen. The thing was that he wasn't working on it, he was just sitting in his computer chair with it turned away from his desk and he had his feet up on the bed just staring into space. I asked him what he was working on and he explained it and I tried to be excited for him but I couldn't get him to light up. So, the rest of the afternoon was spent with him in his room listening to his devil music.

After dinner he went back to his room and my husband and I got ready to take the dog for a walk. I went to Thomas' bedroom door and knocked and he opened it immediately because he was just on the other side and I found him standing in his half lit room and his mp3 player and portable speaker on his bed. I again asked him if he was okay and he said,

"I'm feeling trapped in the house and I need to go sit out on the front porch."

He looked like a caged animal but I let him know we were going out for a walk and I left him as he was going out the front door to sit in the nice spring evening air.

As I walked I knew I couldn't ignore the signs anymore. His old familiar friends, the words I have come to dread over the last couple of years, "trapped" and "bored" are back. He's no longer okay and I can no longer afford to ignore it.

When we got back I asked him, again, if he was okay and he said that he was very depressed. I asked him why and he couldn't say why. I ran down a list of things and then finally touched on a nerve. I asked him,

"Are you worried about me going to Vegas?"

He confirmed that and so I asked him what he was worried about. He said,

"I don't know if I'll wake up on time in the morning. I don't know if I'll remember to take my pills when I'm supposed to. I don't know if I am going to be okay alone during the day."

all of which he has done fine with for a long time but has been really good at since he got stable. There in front of me, though, was my child, lost and scared and full of doubt. I spent some time with him and talked to him and promised that we would talk about this a lot before I left. I also told him that we were seeing Dr. N. on Thursday as well as his therapist. I told him that we needed to let them know what was going on and he agreed to that.

So, here we are again. I'm about to go on a 4 day trip and he is depressed and scared and agitated. He will be alone, left to remember to take his pills, make a decent meal and to deal with whatever monsters might creep in when I'm not here to be with him. I want to go on my trip, I WILL go on my trip but I am going to pray, between now and then and then during my trip that this won't be a setback that becomes a permanent thing threatening to take away his stability.

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